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All articles in category: "England,English,news,weird"

Student wants to sell his body to pay off his debts

May 30th 2003

By: sushibandit

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A 19-year-old IT student, Seany Gerrie at Northumbria University in Newcastle, has set up a website (http://kickme.to/Seany) offering six-month rental deals on almost every part of his anatomy. Visitors to his site can rent anything from a limb to a lung, with kidneys, eyes and strands of hair all up for grabs. If he manages to sell off every part of his body, he will cover his tuition fees for a year of his internet computing degree. Prices range from £1 for a strand of hair to £20 for his back. Subscribers get a certificate of ownership, pictures of the part and regular updates on what that particular body part has been up to. “I’ve put a disclaimer on the site to make it clear the parts remain with me. Since setting up the site Mr. Gerrie has managed to sell one arm. I noticed that his butt is for sale but his penis was not on the price list. One wonders if it is “priceless” or he is afraid that once seen, he wont get any offers!

England, English, news, weird
Post Office looses daughters heart

May 28th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Hospital bosses apologised to a grieving mother after her dead daughter’s heart was lost in the post. It was sent by normal first class mail for specialist tests after 38-year-old Rosaleen Moyle died suddenly. But it never arrived – and Rosaleen’s mother Kathy is disgusted that it was not treated with more care. “They have lost my daughter’s heart. The hospital told me it was sent by first class post but not recorded or registered delivery.I have this awful fear that they have lost it for good.” The Royal Devon and Exeter Hospital in Exeter posted it to a cardiac specialist in Peterborough, Cambs. “I just can’t understand why the hospital doesn’t use a stricter procedure. If they had sent it by special or recorded delivery we would know where it was but it’s just like they have sent a first class letter. I find it a shocking way to send an organ.” Hospital chief executive Angela Pedder said: “Normally a courier service is used to transport organs. But because the delivery address was a PO box number our staff used Royal Mail but not registered delivery. A spokesman said: “Sending it by first class post unfortunately means that the mail is sent through the same system as everything else.”

It will probably arrive on Valentines Day!

England, English, news, weird
Sesame Street breaks Iraqi POWs

May 28th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Uncooperative prisoners are being exposed for prolonged periods to tracks by children’s TV programmes Sesame Street and Barney in the hope of making them talk. The US’s Psychological Operations Company (Psy Ops) said the aim was to break a prisoner’s resistance through sleep deprivation and playing music that was culturally offensive to them. However, human rights organisation, Amnesty International, said such tactics may constitute torture – and coalition forces could be in breach of the Geneva Convention. “They can’t take it. If you play it for 24 hours, your brain and body functions start to slide, your train of thought slows down and your will is broken. That’s when we come in and talk to them.” Sgt Hadsell’s favourites are the theme from Sesame Street and songs from the purple singing dinosaur Barney. “In training, they forced me to listen to the Barney “I Love You” song for 45 minutes. I never want to go through that again. It is a very difficult line to draw between what constitutes discomfort and what constitutes torture.”

…just ask any parent.

parody, war
Bush team to seek reversal of American Idol vote at Supreme Court

May 27th 2003

By: sushibandit

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As the nation reacts to Wednesday’s outcome of the annual American Idol election, which named Ruben Studdard as the unofficial winner, Bush administration officials are planning to contest the results with a combination of swift legal work alongside a massive public relations blitz. According to officials, a FOX affiliate in Palm Beach, FL had called the American Idol election for Mr. Aiken before a different result was broadcast nationally. Republicans are citing this as a main reason for their concerns, and discount today’s reports that a cousin of Clay Aiken forced the FOX channel to announce the unverified result in their favor. George H. W. Bush’s former secretary of state James Baker held the first of many press conferences on the matter, saying “Mr. Aiken won the count. Mr. Aiken won a recount. The country is going down a very dangerous path here, and it’s safe to say this is shaping up to be the biggest constitutional crisis we’ve had in, say, three years.” Republican operatives from Washington were already on the ground in Los Angeles, protesting Ryan Seacrest’s announcement that Clay Aiken lost by 130,000 votes.

“What about the overseas votes? How dare American Idol cut off the military vote! This is a disgrace!” one Senate-aide shouted.

George Bush, parody
5,500 British Paras ready to take control of Iraqi capital

May 22nd 2003

By: sushibandit

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Boy did I see this coming months ago!!

COALITION chiefs plan to send 5,500 British Paras to Baghdad to save US troops from losing control of the Iraqi capital. Central Command top brass are terrified that war-weary American soldiers in Saddam Hussein’s former power base have turned the population against them. Little if any peace keeping experience and only minimal training have been blamed for the growing disaster and continuing violence. One senior British defence source said last night: “We have three months at best to get this right. It is absolutely crucial the people of Baghdad can be persuaded we are there to help them. “Otherwise, the whole point of the operation could totally collapse and we could have a new war on our hands against the Iraqi people we came to liberate. “The American troops in Baghdad are not doing what is necessary. They are tired, they want to go home and they do not have the training for the job that needs to be done. “After 30 years of being in Northern Ireland, as well as the Balkans, Sierra Leone and Afghanistan, we know we have those skills and have offered our help.” The urgent mission – to be given to the Paras and their mother unit 16 Air Assault Brigade – could see them airlifted to Baghdad in weeks. The Paras’ mission will be diplomatically called a “reinforcement”. But it will be a deep embarrassment for US commanders - and an admission they may have won the war but have failed to win the peace.

England, Iraq, news, politics, war
Controversial Defense program gets new name

May 21st 2003

By: sushibandit

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One of the Defense Department’s most controversial programs has a new name. Total Information Awareness is now Terrorism Information Awareness. The change was necessary, the department said Tuesday in a report to Congress, because the original “created in some minds the impression that TIA was a system to be used for developing dossiers on U.S. citizens. That is not DoD’s intent in pursuing this program.” But it is unlikely the new name will silence critics who accuse Defense officials of seeking to use the government’s vast resources to invade privacy and violate constitutional safeguards. “It’s still the same program, and it’s still very much the Total Information Awareness program,” said Barry Steinhardt, director of the technology and liberty program at the American Civil Liberties Union, one of several critical groups.

I think TIA really stands for.. Technology Inspecting Americans or…Treachery Insuring Authority.

tech, terrorism
Speaking of Political Gas Bags

May 20th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Did you know that the medical term for farts is “flatus”. The common term for flatus is “flatulence”. These words come from the Latin word flatus which means the act of blowing.

· The average person expels gas 14 times every day.

· The amount of actual gas released ranges from as little as one cup to as much as one half gallon per day (whew!)

And now a message from our sponsor…………

Introducing the Flat-D or the Flatulence (GAS) Deodorizer! It is the first REALISTIC solution to an age-old problem. So what is a Flat-D?? A Flat-D is a charcoal fabric pad that is placed in the underwear next to the buttocks. When worn properly, it will absorb +90% of the odors that pass thru it. It is washable, so you can get several weeks of use out of a single pad!! So you may ask, where did is come from? The cloth we use is a high tech filtering media and was originally developed for the British Chemical Defense Establishment, to provide protection to its soldiers against nerve gas and other toxic vapors associated with chemical warfare. To order or more info visit our website at http://www.flat-d.com

It is my intent to mail one to every politician in Washington and requesting, no DEMANDING that they wear on over their face. Hopefully this will cut down on the dirty politics, or at least improve the air quality.

fart
Bush Spokesman Ari Fleischer to Resign

May 19th 2003

By: sushibandit

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This guy passed exceptionally foul verbal gas on a daily basis to America and the world.

All I have to say on this one is good riddance.

George Bush
Flatulence Test Sniffs Out Gut Bugs

May 19th 2003

By: sushibandit

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UK scientists say a hi-tech test focused on flatus — the pungent gas emanating from stool — is highly effective in quickly identifying tough-to-spot viral or bacterial infections of the gut. “There are very specific (chemical) ‘fingerprints’ in the gas, so that you can make specific diagnoses very quickly,” lead researcher Dr. Christopher Probert, of the University of Bristol. Probert presented the findings here Sunday at Digestive Diseases Week, the largest annual gathering of gastroenterologists in the world. “The machine will analyze these molecules and tell you what the infection is,” Probert explained. “Whether this can be used for other infectious diseases in the bowel we have yet to determine,” Probert said, “we’ve got a program ongoing to look at other things like cholera and typhoid and so forth.”

And yes, sometime in the future, your GI specialist might dispense with collecting stool samples altogether, asking you to simply emit a quick “flatus sample” instead. “We did at one stage discuss the possibility of a ‘smart lavatory,’ so that you could have a device that could sample the gas in that way,” Probert said with a smile.

I smell big profits for this technology!

England, fart, science
E3 was a gas!

May 16th 2003

By: sushibandit

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I returned to the E3 convention after a 3-year hiatus this Wednesday and walked away 9 hours later really glad that I went. For those that don’t know E3 stands for ‘The Electronic Entertainment Expo’ and is the yearly showcase for the video game industry. It was the first day that the exhibit floor would be open. Thousands of geeks, sales and marketing dicks, and press were clamoring to be the first ones in. Once the doors opened I made my way to the Nintendo area, not really having to walk but more like letting the crowd move me to my destination. There were more than enough stations available for me to tryout all their featured games. The thing I was most impressed with was the connectivity games with the Game Cube and Game Boy Advanced featuring Zelda and Pac Man themes. A lot of fun for 4 players!
The day was filled with exploring all the different games by the major and some minor game companies. The show was highlighted by a profusely of PR babes in short skirts showing the geeks all the nuances of their featured game. It was all FUN and a great homecoming for me after walking away from the game industry some years ago. I think I’ll do it again next year!

E3, gaming, news, Sushi Bandit
Using my Head

May 13th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Remember the song by Elvis Costello, ‘Accidents will happen’? Well, today I had an encounter with my wall. I was going up the stairs at home with a sandwich in one hand and a glass of Grape Juice in the other, heavy in anticipation of playing ‘Zelda’ on my Game Cube. And then in one swoop. I fell on the stairs and ran my forehead into the facing wall. Dazed with Juice everywhere I looked up to see a 3-inch dent in the wall where my head hit it, and I can see my skin in it too! GROSS!

So today I had a rude reminder that I too can be a victim of just living.

Nintendo, story, stupid, Sushi Bandit
Klingon interpreter sought for patients

May 12th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Position Available: Interpreter, must be fluent in Klingon.

The language created for the “Star Trek” TV series and movies is one of about 55 needed by the office that treats mental health patients in metropolitan Multnomah County. “We have to provide information in all the languages our clients speak,” said Jerry Jelusich, a procurement specialist for the county Department of Human Services, which serves about 60,000 mental health clients. Although created for works of fiction, Klingon was designed to have a consistent grammar, syntax and vocabulary. And now Multnomah County research has found that many people – and not just fans – consider it a complete language. “There are some cases where we’ve had mental health patients where this was all they would speak,” said the county’s purchasing administrator, Franna Hathaway. County officials said that obligates them to respond with a Klingon-English interpreter, putting the language of starship Enterprise officer Worf and other Klingon characters on a par with common languages such as Russian and Vietnamese, and less common tongues including Dari and Tongan.

I just want to know… when will the cafeteria start serving the Klingon blue plate special?

nerd, news, sci-fi, Star Trek
Shatner’s ex-wife sues over horse semen

May 8th 2003

By: sushibandit

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William Shatner’s ex-wife has sued him for breach of contract over breeding privileges of three American saddlebred stallions. Marcy Lafferty Shatner claims in her civil lawsuit that her ex-husband broke an agreement in their 1995 divorce settlement that allowed her one breeding privilege per calendar year. The lawsuit says that until this breeding season, the ‘‘Star Trek” star provided Lafferty the semen in ‘‘fresh cooled format.” In March, the lawsuit says, Lafferty learned the breeding privileges from that horse and two other stallions would be in the form of frozen semen. ‘‘Mr. Shatner’s offer to provide semen from the three stallions in question in frozen form is unacceptable to Ms. Lafferty,” says the lawsuit, filed in late April in Woodford County Circuit Court. As of Tuesday, he hadn’t responded to the lawsuit.

I guess she is pissed that the “Stallion” she left Shatner for is not providing her semen in ‘‘fresh cooled format.”

news, weird, William Shatner
Microsoft plans toilets with Web access

May 7th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Now on the way: “Surfing on the loo” with Internet access at portable toilets. The iLoo being developed by the MSN division of Microsoft Corp. in Britain is a standard portable toilet — a “loo” to the English — with a wireless keyboard and extending, height-adjustable plasma screen in front of the seat. There would also be a “Hotmail station” with waterproof keyboard and plasma screen on the outside for those waiting in line. MSN officials say they’re negotiating for the manufacture of toilet paper imprinted with Web addresses that users may not have tried. “The Internet’s so much a part of everyday life now that surfing on the loo was the next natural step,” MSN marketing manager Tracy Blacher said. “People used to reach for a book or mag(azine) when they were on the loo, but now they’ll be logging on.” The device is expected to be in use at festivals this summer in Britain, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported Tuesday. There’s no word on if, or when, the iLoo will make its way across the pond.

Now all thay need to do is develop a “Toilet Keyboard Cover” to protect you from the filthy, shit covered keyboard!

England, funny, internet, toilet
“Victory over Iraq” celebration draws tens to Times Square

May 6th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Americans filled with anxiety over the fate of the world under Iraq’s rule are resting easier, and taking to the streets, as the White House hinted today that President Bush would give a televised address to the nation announcing complete and total victory by coalition forces. “This is the first time I’ve been able to rest in weeks,” said exuberant American Mark Jourdain. “One minute Iraq is casting an evil shadow over the entire planet with their weapons of mass destruction, and the next minute we somehow manage to overcome all odds and win the battle. We’re all so lucky that we managed to win!” Tens of jubilant citizens took to the streets of New York’s Times Square to celebrate winning the war, and to sell US-flag T-shirts. Many in the street were still emotionally affected by America’s sudden victory over Iraq. “I’m still in shock over this being clinched so soon. If I had known, I’d have purchased some V-I Day decorations for the house,” exclaimed Diana Hendricks.

Nuff said….

George Bush, Iraq, parody, war
John Q. Adams speaks from the past about our future

May 5th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Celebrating American freedom on July 4, 1821, U.S. Secretary of State John Quincy Adams delivered a speech to the U.S. House of Representatives setting forth the vision of the American republic: ‘She (the United States) has abstained from interference in the concerns of others, even when conflict has been for principles to which she clings, as to the last vital drop that visits the heart…. She goes not abroad, in search of monsters to destroy. She is the well-wisher to the freedom and independence of all. She is the champion and vindicator only of her own…. She well knows that by once enlisting under other banners than her own, were they even the banners of foreign independence … the fundamental maxims of her policy would insensibly change from liberty to force…. She might become the dictatress of the world.’

america, history, wisdom, words of wisdom
Man Charged in Foot Licking

May 5th 2003

By: sushibandit

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A man convicted of licking the feet of three female shoppers in Rhode Island is facing a trial in June on charges he allegedly licked a woman’s foot in a Massachusetts supermarket.

Raymond C. Dublin, 35, of Rhode Island, is finishing a one-year sentence for simple assault charges in connection with the foot-licking complaints in Rhode Island.

He will appear before a Milford District Court judge for a bench trial on the Massachusetts charges on June 2, The MetroWest Daily News of Framingham reported.

Dublin allegedly sneaked up behind a woman last year at a Bellingham supermarket and licked her feet and toes. He faces charges of assault and battery and lewd and lascivious behavior, the paper reported.

My only question…. how did he get them to stand still long enough to lick them from heel to toe?!

nasty, news, sick, silly
Words of Wisdom

May 2nd 2003

By: sushibandit

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“If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their money, first by inflation and then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them (around the banks), will deprive the people of their property until their children will wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.” – Thomas Jefferson

america, words of wisdom