Sushi Bandit's Blog O' Rama (9.0)

All articles in category: "parody"

Jul 31st 2003

By: sushibandit

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Americans prepare to stop caring about politics as NFL season gears up

As the start of the NFL’s next season quickly approaches, Americans are mentally preparing themselves to stop caring about political matters and world events entirely. The annual shift in Americans’ interests will mean a huge decrease in an already-low area of knowledge and will be replaced with questions such as whether the Super Bowl champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers have the best defense of all time. According to pollsters, Americans are coping with their upcoming lack of interest in politics in a variety of ways. Some are slowly weaning themselves off of their reliance on the newspaper and television news, while others are busy cramming in as much political news as possible now. “Selecting the leader of the free world is an amazing privilege that we as Americans have, and its our right to learn about national and international affairs, and vote in this sacred statement of democracy,” Jason Rollins, head of the American History department at Yale, said. “By the way, did you see the way defensive end Simeon Rice pummeled quarterback Rich Gannon in the Super Bowl? That was the best damn thing I’ve ever seen in my life! Kaaa-yaaa! Sorry, what was I talking about?” Rollins said. Other issues that Americans are preparing to stop caring about completely are war in Iraq, the economy, and kidnapped children.

parody
Jul 30th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Dannii’s SOS dance

Dannii Minogue, sister of Kylie Minogue, sparked a new dance trend at an outdoor concert when she tried to alert the crowd to a capsized boat in the lake behind them. The Australian pop star began pointing frantically over the heads of the audience as she saw the boat overturn at the water park in Warwickshire, England. But the fans thought it was a new dance move and began joining in, pointing back at her. “I really enjoyed performing here today but there was a moment in my act when, yes, I was a bit concerned,” Minogue said. “Someone sailing on one of the lakes capsized. I wanted to stop singing and shout: ‘He’s capsized! Help him! Help him!’ Teenage fan Gemma Jones, 13, said she had not realised anything was wrong. “I saw her doing this strange move which was not like her normal dance routines. I thought it might be some new sort of dance craze and started copying,” Jones said. “Every time she pointed out at us, we pointed back at her.”

lable
Jul 29th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Dog offered credit card

A pet dog in the north of England has been offered his very own gold credit card with a spending limit of £10,000 ($24,600). An application form for a Royal Bank of Scotland credit card arrived at the home of Raymond Slater, in Stockport, greater Manchester, addressed to his Shih-Tzu, Monty. The dog was offered a gold credit card and the chance to earn air miles. “We bought the name from a list broker and have no idea why Monty’s details were provided,” a spokeswoman for the bank said on Monday. “His name has now been removed from the database and we are sending a hamper to Mr Slater by way of apology,” she said.

lable
Jul 28th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Dangerous ‘dive and drink’ TV beer ad pulled off air

A television commercial for low-malt beer has been pulled off the air after consumers complained that it condoned the dangerous practice of drinking alcohol after scuba diving. The commercial, which featured Asahi Breweries new “Asahi Honnama Aqua Blue” happoshu, a type of low-malt beer, was replaced by the brewery on Wednesday, after being broadcast on television screens nationwide.

In the commercial, which ran for about 15 seconds, two divers use writing boards to talk to each other under water. One of them writes, “I want a drink,” and the two rush out of the water. “It’s a commercial that suggests divers are drinking as soon as they get out of the water, but drinking immediately after being submerged can be dangerous,” one viewer said of the ad. When people drink alcohol immediately after diving, the nitrogen in their blood can turn into bubbles and cause decompression sickness by blocking off capillary vessels.

I’ve drank a lot in dives, does that count?

lable
Jul 25th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Shape Magazine Declares July ‘Let Yourself Go’ Month

WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Shape, the women’s fitness magazine, has officially declared July “Let Yourself Go” Month. “You’ve toned those abs and burned the flab in time for bikini season… Now it’s time for a meatball sandwich,” wrote Shape editor-in-chief Barbara Harris in her ‘From The Editor’ column. “Come on, live a little. Don’t be a tight-ass with a tight ass. Eat, lounge, and slouch your way to a happier, more satisfied you.”

Features in the issue include “Girth Equals Mirth: Six Sure-Fire Techniques For Broadening That Belly,” “Wrinkles: The More You Have, The More You’ve Lived,” and “Reduce Unwanted Stress By Not Giving A F***.”

parody
Jul 25th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Press corps mauls new press secretary

WASHINGTON — New press secretary Scott McClellan remains in critical condition today after being savagely mauled by partisan members of the White House press corps in his first press briefing. The briefing began normally for McClellan, just as hundreds of briefings headed by former secretary Ari Fleischer had. McClellan addressed a question on the national debt, then was asked several questions on the Iraq-Niger nuclear connection stated by the President and other administration officials leading up to the current war. Witnesses described a scene of increasing chaos as McClellan gave repeated non-answers and begin to chant “I think that we have addressed this issue” in response to every question.

“All the reporters were starting to try to get McClellan’s attention, first by standing and then by shouting at him. Finally, some CNN guy threw his micro-cassette recorder at McClellan’s head and scored a direct hit,” said one press corps member. After the initial salvo, anarchy ruled as several reporters stormed the podium, beating McClellan with his own microphone. He would manage to fight off a swarm of the press, only to be pummelled with TV lighting equipment heaved from the back of the briefing room.

“Through it all, he was still taking questions and giving non-answers,” said a witness. “It was a remarkable display.” McClellan released a statement saying that he is healing quickly and is “eager to return to the exciting and engaging give-and-take between the government and the media.” Chicken wire will be installed around the stage of the briefing room to prevent similar incidents in the future.

parody
Jul 24th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Naked woman hunts

Outraged by a Las Vegas company that claims to offer men a chance to stalk and shoot naked women in the Nevada desert with paintball guns, women’s groups and Government agencies were scrambling to find a way to shut down such “Bambi” hunts. Real Men Outdoor Productions Inc insists it is doing nothing illegal and only providing another variety of adult entertainment in a city celebrated for sin. The company has a Las Vegas business licence to sell videos of hunters chasing nude women through the woods as a spoof on hunting videos. That video was staged, Real Men spokesman David Krekelberg said, but it gave rise to the idea of hosting hunts with paintball guns and charging men $10,000 for weekend tours. Mr Krekelberg said the company has hosted 18 “Bambi” hunts in undisclosed locations around Las Vegas.

In each, a hunter faces off with two women dressed in nothing but sneakers, each of whom receive $1000 and can earn up to $2500 if they make it through the hour without being struck by a paintball, he said. He also claimed that the women were not being mistreated. He said they were allowed to wear goggles and helmets if they wished.

Where do I sign up!!

lable
Jul 23rd 2003

By: sushibandit

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President Bush has picture taken with group of Negroes

President gives the Negroes “all they had ever hoped for” as Americans. President George W. Bush posed for a photo with several actual Negroes today. The immense gesture marks the greatest benefit that the African-American community has yet received from the Bush Administration. “Today is a great day for all our people,” Rev. Douglass Williams, one of the men in the photograph, said. “When Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke of his dream that one day we’d all living together equally, I’m positive that this is exactly what he meant — black people and the President in a photo together which will no doubt be used by the Administration to reach out to other blacks.” Indeed, the successful photo-shoot pleased White House advisers, who quickly made several copies to save in case of emergency. “From now on, nobody can say that the Democrats have better policies for creating more opportunities for African-Americans,” Political Adviser Karl Rove said while holding a copy of the photo. “Just look at this photo! This says it all! Does the President look scared? Does he look terrified? The answer is no.”

George Bush
Jul 22nd 2003

By: sushibandit

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Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1

CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation’s uneducated are breeding twice as soon and twice as often as those with university diplomas. “The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional,” study leader Kenneth Stalls said.

“America’s intellectual elite, as a result, is badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates.” Added Stalls: “At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like.”

High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, “All I know is, we’re in love.”

parody
Jul 21st 2003

By: sushibandit

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Saddam has acquired intergalactic death ray

Controversial “Star Wars” defense shield put on fast track. The President announced today that Saddam Hussein has acquired a gigantic death ray which is currently in low orbit around the Earth. A videotape released by Hussein last week appears to have been broadcast from space, possibly from a rogue Iraqi space station. “If you thought that Saddam was scary before, you haven’t seen anything yet,” the President said at the start of a national address. “Check this out… Saddam Hussein has recently acquired a death ray, and it’s pointed right at us, right now.” “Saddam could destroy the entire planet in a matter of seconds. But it is important to not panic, to keep going to work, and to continue to shop as usual,” urged the President. “Because of this terrifying threat, I have pushed through legislation to construct and deploy the “Star Wars” space defense shield immediate,” Bush said. “So just remember who’s the hero now, okay people?” Hussein’s newly discovered whereabouts explain why coalition troops haven’t location the former Iraqi dictator in his home country. “The capability he has now in space could lead him to colonize other planets with his evildoing minions. This simply cannot stand,” Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said.

parody
Jul 21st 2003

By: sushibandit

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French Government Bans Term ‘E-Mail’

Goodbye “e-mail,” the French government says, and hello “courriel” — the term that linguistically sensitive France is now using to refer to electronic mail in official documents. The Culture Ministry has announced a ban on the use of “e-mail” in all government ministries, documents, publications or Web sites, the latest step to stem an incursion of English words into the French lexicon. The ministry’s General Commission on Terminology and Neology insists Internet surfers in France are broadly using the term “courrier electronique” (electronic mail) instead of e-mail — a claim some industry experts dispute. “Courriel” is a fusion of the two words. “Evocative, with a very French sound, the word ‘courriel’ is broadly used in the press and competes advantageously with the borrowed ‘mail’ in English,” the commission has ruled. The move to ban “e-mail” was announced last week after the decision was published in the official government register on June 20. The 7-year-old commission has links to the Academie Francaise, the prestigious institution that has been one of the top opponents of allowing English terms to seep into French.

This will add to the confusion since they changed the word “Dick” or penis to the more french sounding name, Richard.

lable
Jul 18th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Rumsfeld Announces Discovery of Spears of Mass Destruction

WASHINGTON – Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced today at a Pentagon press conference that coalition forces had discovered a huge cache of spears, arrows and similar projectile weapon systems, believed to be of Iraqi origin, buried deep in an archaeological site high on the slopes of Turkey’s Mount Ararat. “Our weapons analysis teams have confirmed a large number of both spears and arrows, which showed substantial traces of biological toxins on their points and edges, at the site in question”, he said.

Pentagon insiders, speaking off the record, noted that although the spears and arrows were fairly primitive by 21st Century standards, the addition of modern propulsion technology could have rendered them far more dangerous to US and other coalition troops. The toxins, possibly derived from animal dung or other natural substance, could have posed “a serious threat of infection and irritation to soldiers in the field”, according to Secretary Rumsfeld.

That the Iraqi weapons cache was discovered high on a mountain in Turkey has led many military experts and Middle East policy specialists to conclude that an arrangement existed at some point between the Turkish government and that of Saddam Hussein.

Further evidence has surfaced in the form of bones – thousands of them. Zoologists have identified dozens of species not native to Turkey, including elephants, rhinos, gorillas, spider monkeys (a New World species) and kangaroos. Among their findings so far: a description of the ship itself, which oddly sketches the vessel’s length, height and beam using the obsolete measure of the cubit; and veterinary records. These records, which describe the acquisition of breeding pairs of almost every animal species known, “show”, in Rumsfeld’s words, “that Saddam Hussein was engaged in a very long-term plan to improve his weapons systems. This was a clear threat, and President Bush made the right decision when he chose to stop it.”

parody
Jul 17th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Toe-sucker gets life

Santa Ana, California: The former supervisor of an American youth program was sentenced Friday to life in prison on 25 counts of lewd conduct and assault for sucking the toes of 20 boys. Trenton Veches, 32, will be eligible for parole in 15 years. At his trial, Veches’ lawyer said his actions at the Newport Beach centre with boys six to 10 years old were “horseplay”. But the prosecutor said Veches “clearly befriended these children, manipulated them and he sexually molested them”. Veches mother, Joyce Ormes, said the sentence was too harsh. “I don’t know how he can spend life in prison for this when there was no sexual contact with the genitals, things like that,” she said. “Clearly Mr Veches posed a danger to the children of our community and he needed to be in prison,” prosecutor Sheila Hanson said. Veches was arrested in April 2002 after a co-worker reported seeing him sucking a boy’s toes.

If a toe sucker can get life, what would a thumb sucker get?

lable
Jul 16th 2003

By: sushibandit

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7 per cent of Norwegians wear same undies for a week

Seven per cent of Norwegian men and six per cent of women wear the same pair of undies for at least a whole week before changing to a fresh pair, according to a new poll. Norwegians with a high level of education change their underwear less often than those with a lower level of schooling, the survey of 1000 Norwegians, conducted by polling institute ACNielsen, showed. However, 65 per cent of those questioned say they pull on a fresh pair once a day, while 4 per cent say they change twice a day. Those least likely to change their knickers are in the 41 to 50 age range, while 18-to-30 year-olds are the most fastidious, with 73 per cent who change daily. Single men are also more likely to put on clean skivvies than those in a relationship. Eleven per cent of Norwegians change their underwear two to three times a week and 18 per cent do so four to six times a week.

lable
Jul 15th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Thousands Dead In Indonesia Again

JAKARTA, INDONESIA—Several days of relative calm in Indonesia came to an end Friday when a massive volcanic eruption buried most of Jakarta, killing thousands of Indonesians yet again. “I had a feeling we were due for another mass death,” said Manu Palopo of Jakarta. “There hadn’t been a disaster since last Wednesday, when that train derailed, killing 513. And it had been nearly a month since we’d had an earthquake, typhoon, or some other natural disaster that killed more than 1,000.” A public memorial service for volcano victims turned tragic when an unexpectedly large turnout caused hundreds to be trampled to death.

parody
Jul 14th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Press secretary Fleischer’s hypnosis of press corps wears off

White House desperate for new action to be taken as Ari Fleischer’s mind control loses effectiveness — Slowly but surely, the White House press corps is regaining consciousness after suffering the effects of an intense regimen of hypnotism instigated by press secretary Ari Fleischer. Reports say that Fleischer has been controlling members of the press corps for over two years, preventing them from thinking cognitively or communicating effectively. White House insiders said they suspected the press corps was coming out of their trance after recent questioning on matters such as CIA intelligence and weapons of mass destruction. Officials believe that the long plane ride as they accompanied the President to Africa might have cracked the “spell.” “The old methods of controlling the press aren’t working anymore,” an anonymous source said. “He used to be able to wave his hand a certain way to get the reporters to back off any issue, but that’s seemed to stop working. He’s resorted to trying to confuse the press in other ways.” At a press conference early this morning, Fleischer used a strobe light flashing at a rate designed to induce a catatonic state in onlookers. Fleischer is also using more double-negatives and a confusing sentence structure when he speaks in an effort to paralyze the press core. “I don’t think the burden is not on those people who don’t think Hussein didn’t have weapons of mass destruction not to tell the world where they don’t exist,” he remarked yesterday.

parody
Jul 14th 2003

By: sushibandit

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President thanks Africa for rap music, break-dancing

ENTEBBE, Uganda — President Bush said Friday that Africa’s contribution to the world of music, specifically rap and hip-hop, serves as a example of how Africa has a great effect on the world. “You have shown the world what is possible when you combine a funky backbeat and a groovin’ M.C.,” Bush told Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni during a meeting between the two. Bush showed off his personal collection of rap CDs to impress President Museveni, despite the fact that musical historians say that rap music was born in New York’s inner-cities in the 1970s. At the start of their historic meeting President Bush attempted to demonstrate his break-dancing skills for Museveni, which he thought originated in Uganda. Wearing a traditional Adidas jumpsuit, Bush tried such maneuvers as “the robot” and “the backspin.”

George Bush, parody
Jul 11th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Taco Bell’s Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way

LOUISVILLE, KY—With great fanfare Thursday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a corn tortilla. “You’ve never tasted Taco Bell’s five ingredients combined quite like this,” Taco Bell CEO Walt Berenyi said. “The revolutionary new Grandito, with its ground beef on top of the cheese but under the beans, is configured unlike anything you’ve ever eaten at Taco Bell.” The fast-food chain made waves earlier this year with its introduction of the Zestito, in which the beans are on top of the lettuce, and the Mexiwrap, in which the tortilla is slightly more oblong.

parody
Jul 10th 2003

By: sushibandit

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New “Pompous Asshole” Magazine To Compete With Cigar Aficionado

NEW YORK—Upscale consumers who enjoy cigars, wine, and “all the finer things in life” will have a new magazine to enjoy beginning next month, when Pompous Asshole hits newsstands. Targeting the coveted 23- to 60-year-old pompous-asshole demographic, the new monthly magazine is expected to compete directly with Cigar Aficionado for advertising dollars. “Pompous Asshole is the magazine of the good life,” said publisher Paul Westman. “And, unlike Cigar Aficionado, we truly cover it all: From tips on choosing the right humidor to advice on where to gamble in Monte Carlo to the lowdown on the new Jaguar XJ8, Pompous Asshole is the magazine no rich prick can afford to be without.”

parody
Jul 9th 2003

By: sushibandit

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Ex-Radio Host Sues Clear Channel

Former WMYI/Greenville, South Carolina morning co-host Roxanne Cordonier has filed a wrongful termination lawsuit against Clear Channel, claiming that she was fired because of her opposition to the war in Iraq. According to the Greenville News, Cordonier alleges her co-hosts belittled her both on and off the air and says she “went through hell. I was forced out because I would not comply with their orders to be silent.” Regional VP/GM Bill McMartin and PD Greg McKinney are also named as defendants.

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