The candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, It’s an annual honor given to the person who provided the human race the greatest service by removing himself from the gene pool. Yes, they were all men. As always, competition again this year has been keen. Drum roll, please…
In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 8-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who, “totally zoned when he ran,” accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily jog.
In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. There is no word on whether or not his family is suing the flashlight manufacturer for failure to warn the user about the dangers of putting a flashlight in one’s mouth while robbing a store at night.
According to police in Dahlonega, GA. ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27 and Randy Taylor, 33 died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
AND THE WINNER IS – TA DAAAA!!!
PADERBORN, GERMANY – Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, Figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. “The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him”, said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective, Erik Dern. “With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It just seems to be one of those freak accidents that prove the axiom “Shit happens.”