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All articles in category: "comedy,David Letterman,sports,Top 10"

Top Ten Ways To Make The Superbowl Even More Exciting

Jan 30th 2004

By: sushibandit

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10. Both teams wear the same uniform

9. Replace players’ oxygen tanks with laughing gas

8. Every fan gets one of those referee microphones

7. Helmets that make comical “boing” sound effect

6. End-zone dances choreographed by the fabulous Tommy Tune

5. A day before the game, both teams redecorate each other’s locker rooms

4. Two words: jet packs

3. Halftime lecture series by Federal Reserve chairman, Alan Greenspan

2. Lift “no flirting” rule in the huddle

1. Losing coach has to give John Madden open-mouth kiss

comedy, David Letterman, sports, Top 10
4 Out Of 5 Texas Dentists Advocate The Death Penalty

Jan 29th 2004

By: sushibandit

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DALLAS—According to a study released Monday by the Texas Dental Association, four out of five dentists in the Lone Star State advocate the use of capital punishment. “About 80 percent of the dentists surveyed recommend brushing three times daily, regular dental check-ups, and death by lethal injection should a prisoner be found guilty of homicide in a court of law,” TDA spokeswoman Stacy Gunderson said. “Simply putting criminals in hard-to-reach places isn’t enough of a deterrent. Rinsing the scum out of death row is vital for the long-term health of this state.” Gunderson then called for justice, and plenty of all-natural sugar-free snacks, to be served.

parody
Streakers’ getaway car nicked

Jan 28th 2004

By: sushibandit

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Three men who went streaking through a restaurant were chilled and chagrined when they spotted a thief drive off in their getaway car, their clothes inside.

Naked in the minus seven degree Celsius weather, the three young men huddled behind cars in a parking lot until police arrived. “I don’t think they were hiding. I think they were just concealing themselves,” police spokesman Dick Cottam said.

The three entered the restaurant before daybreak yesterday, wearing only shoes and hats. They left their car running so they could make a quick escape. But the streakers watched through the windows as a man who had been eating inside the restaurant drove off in their car. No charges were brought against the streakers.

“I think it was just three kids who decided to fool around,” Cottam said. He added: “We always tell people to not leave their car running.”

crime, news, nude, stupid
Angolan Temp Agency Teeming With Mercenaries

Jan 27th 2004

By: sushibandit

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LUANDA, ANGOLA—Operators of Keliba Temporary Services of Angola announced Monday that they have been swamped with unemployed citizens seeking temporary mercenary work. “It’s a madhouse,” said Imaculada Bimbi, manager of Keliba Temps. “When we open up in the morning, there is a line of camouflage-clad men waiting at the door.”

When the rebel UNITA [National Union for the Total Independence of Angola] and the Angolan government signed a cease-fire in 2002, they ended the civil war that plagued the southwest African nation for more than 25 years, but left several hundred thousand mercenaries jobless. Around 75 percent of these soldiers-for-hire eventually turned to temping.

“Some call us five or six times a day,” Bimbi said. “Others sit in the waiting room cleaning their rifles and flipping through back issues of Angola Today, just waiting for jobs to come.” Bimbi said that, because Keliba Temps maintains a waiting list and keeps applicants on file for six months, there’s no reason for the men to spend the day in the office. “If the UNITA insurgents were able to locate mercenaries on the planalto, then we should be capable of finding them in their homes,” Bimbi said. “But they sit here and drink pot after pot of complimentary coffee, litter banana peels and dried fish tails on the floors, and wash their bandannas in the bathroom sink.” Bimbi explained the mercenaries’ reluctance to relocate to regions with more favorable employment climates.

“Many have lived in Angola all their lives, and do not want to go all the way to the Congo or Sierra Leone to find work,” Bimbi said. “Now, Angola will always have a need for qualified, experienced mercenaries, and the work they do is very valuable. But we simply have too many workers and not enough jobs.” Last month, Keliba Temps was forced to hire several extra staff members to handle the influx of mercenaries. Although Bimbi considered hiring a mercenary for the front-desk position, none of the applicants had the proper qualifications. “Working the front desk requires communication skills, a professional appearance, patience, and the ability to type,” Bimbi said. “I can’t tell you how many keyboards have been split apart with machetes during our standard typing test.”

Bimbi said early attempts to place mercenaries among the non-mercenary workforce ended in disaster. “My first week here, I sent a mercenary to work on the assembly line in a PVC factory,” Bimbi said. “I later learned that the mercenary had, in his former job, blown up the line supervisor’s vegetable stand and kidnapped his teenage daughter.” Bimbi now attempts to do more thorough background checks. “But it’s hard,” Bimbi said. “Most of our clients’ references turn out to be dead.”

“We held a weekend workshop to train a group of kidnappers, torturers, and renegade pilots on Excel, but the seminar ended in bloodshed.” The mercenary field is so flooded, Lukamba said, that he regularly receives phone calls from employment agencies across the country asking if his branch has openings for mercenaries. “Every time the phone rings, 15 heavily armed men leap to their feet and rush the counter.”

“Perhaps one day soon, a corrupt warlord will rise to power in Angola and need men to hack apart villagers and urinate on the remains,” Lukamba added. “Until then, all I can do is try to get these men working as telephone solicitors.”

Africa, parody, war
Football fan banned for penis stunt

Jan 26th 2004

By: sushibandit

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A Dutch football club has banned one of its fans for posing for a photograph with the local mayor with his penis hanging out.

The mayor, Wim Deetman, did not realise the ADO Den Haag fan was exposing himself when he agreed to have his picture taken with him. It was only later, when the picture was circulated on the internet, that Deetman realised he had been set up.

He is taking legal action against the supporter and is awaiting the judge’s verdict, the Nu news website reported. ADO Den Haag has announced that the fan will no longer be welcome at its stadium

Netherlands, news, penis, politics, silly, sports
Short Stuff!

Jan 23rd 2004

By: sushibandit

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A survey has found that 65 per cent of Britons do not know which US city the hit musical Chicago is set in, 57 per cent do not know where the TV soap opera Dallas was set, and 64 per cent do not know where the French Alps are.

Police in Sweden are confident of catching a burglar who used the toilet but forgot to flush. Officers say they recovered a DNA sample from the toilet bowl after $60,000 worth of computers were stolen from a paper plant.

A flight in the US proved lucky for a British woman who had a heart attack. Fifteen heart specialists bound for a medical conference in Florida stood up to offer help when a flight attendant asked: “Is there a doctor on board?”

A Colombian tried to burgle the house of a rich man by hiding inside a box and posting himself to it. But the owners of the house got suspicious when the big package arrived and called the bomb squad.

Zimbabwe’s soccer friendly match with El Salvador in Harare was cancelled after the visitors proved to be fake. The bogus team was a squad of club players put together by a sportswear company.

The car of two Belgian rabbit poachers had been fitted with tyre spikes to slow pursuers, shields on the number plates and a device to eject old bicycles on to the road. Police nabbed them with 14 rabbits.

Northern India police are being paid 30 rupees (65 cents) extra a month to grow a moustache to give them more authority because research has shown they will be taken more seriously.

Doctors in the northern Tanzanian town of Arusha have performed an operation on a 54-year-old man who accidentally swallowed a toothbrush. Marijan Saleh was brushing his teeth on Tuesday when the brush accidentally slid down his throat and ended up in his stomach. “He was operated on and the toothbrush removed from the intestines,” said the spokesman from the Selian Hospital in Arusha.

Africa, England, funny, India, short stuff, Sweden
Fallen woman escapes death after train passes overhead

Jan 22nd 2004

By: sushibandit

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OSAKA — A woman miraculously escaped death after she fell off a platform onto the tracks and an express train passed over the top of her.

Police said the 40-year-old woman fell 1 meter from a platform at Rinku Town station on the JR Kansai Airport Line moments before a limited express train rushed pass the station. The driver of the train, which was traveling from Kansai International Airport to Kyoto Station, slammed on the emergency brakes, but was unable to stop in time and passed over the woman.

The woman had fallen between the rails of the track and suffered a scratch on her hand when the train passed overhead, but escaped major injury. Local police officials said the woman had dropped one of her belongings, and when she bent down to pick it up she became nauseated and toppled over onto the tracks.

The width of the tracks was about 1 meter. There was a gap of about 30 centimeters between the ground and the bottom of the train, and the woman had fallen face down on the tracks, police said.

Japan, Japanese, news, odd, travel
Labor Secretary Has Her Hours Cut

Jan 21st 2004

By: sushibandit

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WASHINGTON, DC—Deeming the move “regrettable but necessary,” White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card announced Monday that Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao’s work hours will be scaled back to 30 per week starting Jan. 26.

“It’s merely a cost-cutting measure and says absolutely nothing about Elaine, who’s done wonderful work for the Bush Administration since she came on board in 2001,” Card said. “Once the economy turns around, the first thing we’ll do is return Elaine to her original hours. That’s a promise.”

Chao’s hours will be limited to six per day during a regular Monday-to-Friday workweek, her salary will be cut by 25 percent, and she’ll lose the privileges of working flextime hours and earning time-and-a-half pay on weekends and holidays. In addition, Chao’s relegation to part-time status means she’ll no longer be eligible for health-insurance coverage, matching 401K contributions, or parking validation.

Chao expressed dismay over the decision during a cigarette break in the parking lot of the Labor Department’s Frances Perkins Building. “I sorta knew what was up when President Bush called me into the Oval Office, and “Chief Brownnose” was standing there beside him with this bogus sad look on his face,” said Chao, referring to Card by the derogatory nickname reportedly used by the members of the White House staff. “The president said he was real sorry, but he either had to cut my hours or let me go. What could I do? I need the job.”

“Tables and graphs mapping the worsening situation of the average American worker crossed my desk all the time, but I never thought any of that stuff would affect me,” Chao said. “I don’t see [Treasury Secretary John] Snow fearing for his job. Then again, he’s in charge of the money. The bigwigs see ‘labor’ in my job title, and they think, ‘Hey, we can push her around.’” Continued Chao, “If I were [Health and Human Services Secretary] Tommy Thompson, I’d start looking through the classifieds.”

George Bush, GOP, parody, politics
Top Ten Reasons George W. Bush Wants To Put A Man On Mars

Jan 21st 2004

By: sushibandit

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10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location
9. It’s part of his “No Planet Left Behind” initiative
8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com
7. Maybe we’ll find some weapons of mass destruction there
6. We’ve run out of places on Earth to drill for oil
5. Hoping to get Mork’s autograph
4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections
3. Dude, free Mars bars
2. Why not? It’s not like we have an enormous debt or failing economy
1. Pete Rose bet him we wouldn’t do it

comedy, David Letterman, Dick Cheney, George Bush, NASA, parody, politics, Top 10
Farmer’s paid-for ‘bride’ a man

Jan 20th 2004

By: sushibandit

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A newly-wed “bride” was arrested after the farmer who paid to marry her found she was really a man.

The farmer, from rural eastern China, paid 20,000 yuan ($3355) for his arranged marriage only to have her run away from him six days after their wedding. He found she was a man when he tracked her to a neighbouring town in Fujian province, eastern China.

The bogus bride, who came from Yunnan, was arrested last Friday, the newspaper said.
Arranged marriages are common in parts of rural China where, because of the country’s one-child policy, men often greatly outnumber women.

yea, but what was the sex like?

china, funny, news, sex
TV addict to sue cable company

Jan 19th 2004

By: sushibandit

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A man in Wisconsin wants to sue a cable television provider for making him addicted to watching TV, a news report said today. Timothy Dumouchel claimed cable TV was also to blame for his wife’s gaining more than 20 kilograms and his kids being “lazy channel surfers”, according to the The Reporter.

Dumouchel told the paper he would settle the suit for $US5,000 ($6,505) dollars, or three computers and lifetime free internet service. Dumouchel said he tried to cancel his cable service four years ago but the connection remained intact.

news, silly, tv
The 2003 Darwin Awards

Jan 16th 2004

By: sushibandit

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The candidates have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, It’s an annual honor given to the person who provided the human race the greatest service by removing himself from the gene pool. Yes, they were all men. As always, competition again this year has been keen. Drum roll, please…

In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 8-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who, “totally zoned when he ran,” accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily jog.

In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor. There is no word on whether or not his family is suing the flashlight manufacturer for failure to warn the user about the dangers of putting a flashlight in one’s mouth while robbing a store at night.

According to police in Dahlonega, GA. ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27 and Randy Taylor, 33 died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

AND THE WINNER IS – TA DAAAA!!!

PADERBORN, GERMANY – Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, Figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say the ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. “The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him”, said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective, Erik Dern. “With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It just seems to be one of those freak accidents that prove the axiom “Shit happens.”

news, odd, weird
President Chokes Back Laughter During Space Policy Speech

Jan 16th 2004

By: sushibandit

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WASHINGTON — President George W. Bush called for a return to American manned space flight in a speech before NASA employees and members of Congress. He called for a permanent space base on the Moon and for an eventual manned flight to Mars.

But the president’s goals did not end with two of Earth’s closest neighbors. “We don’t know where the journey will end. But we do know that it’s time for human beings to enter the Solar System. To that end, I’m proposing a complete manned survey of the planets and their major satellites. This generation has a rendezvous with Pluto and a mission to Mercury. It’s time to take a gander at Ganymede. Finally – and I can’t stress this enough, America must probe Uranus.”

The president then paused in his speech to choke back muffled laughter before spelling out some of the economic benefits of his ambitious proposal. “We know that Io, one of Jupiter’s moons, may contain vast quantities of hydrogen, which will fuel the next generation of American automobiles. We know that the Moon offers not only a low-gravity environment for interplanetary launches, but also an abundant supply of rocks. And Mercury – well, let’s just say that this administration will not let America’s thermometer manufacturers down at this critical moment.”

However, President Bush responded to critics of his proposal by stressing the diplomatic benefits of such a plan, particularly in the case of a mission to Mars. “It’s critical that we establish diplomatic relations with Lord Phallis, Tardos Mors and the freedom-loving red people of Helium,” he stated. “The barbaric Tharks and Warhoons must understand that their aggression against the other races of Mars will not stand.” Neither the Jeddak of Helium nor Lord Phallis, Warlord of Mars, were available for comment.

George Bush, NASA, parody, stupid
Driver ordered to carry coffin photo

Jan 15th 2004

By: sushibandit

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BUTLER, Pa. (AP) — A woman who prosecutors say was drunk when she killed a man in a head-on collision must carry a photograph of the teacher in his coffin as part of her five years of probation, a judge ruled.

Jennifer Langston pleaded guilty in September to vehicular homicide, reckless endangerment and reckless driving. Prosecutors said Langston was drunk and talking on a cell phone in 2002 when she crossed the center line and hit a pickup truck carrying Glenn Clark and his pregnant wife, Annette. He died, his wife remains in a coma and their son, born by Caesarean section five months after the crash, is being raised by relatives.

A judge sentenced Langston to 30 days in jail, plus house arrest and probation, and ordered her to carry a picture of Glenn Clark. But when Clark’s mother provided the photo of Clark in a casket, Langston, 27, objected. Her attorney said the “spirit of the agreement” was that the photo be of Clark when he was alive. “This makes no sense to me. Requiring Jennifer to carry a picture like that defeats the whole purpose if the purpose is to look and remember,” said Langston’s attorney, Michael Sherman. “Who in their right mind will look at such a picture?”

Butler County Judge George Hancher ruled Tuesday that Langston would have to carry the coffin photo. Clark’s mother, Rosellen Moller, has been unapologetic. “That’s where she put him — in a casket. That’s what she did for him. I’d just shut my mouth if I was her,” Moller said.

Wait a second, all she got was… 30 days??

crime, culture, drunk, news, weird
McDonald’s Introduces McCrazy Burger

Jan 14th 2004

By: sushibandit

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OAK BROOK, IL—Responding to an over-abundance of low-cost beef, McDonald’s unveiled the new five-patty McCrazy Burger Tuesday. “A pound and a half of all-American beef topped with lettuce, tomatoes, and a dollop of our new peppercorn sauce,” said Melanie Haas, marketing director for the fast-food giant’s Northwest region.

“We promise you’ll go crazy from the delicious taste of 100 percent pure beef, and not from bovine spongiform encephalopathy!” Haas refused to comment on the exact geographic origin of the cattle used in the new sandwich.

food, funny, McDonalds, parody
Uncle Sam Wants Burger King Prankster

Jan 13th 2004

By: sushibandit

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The feds are taking the Burger King radio pirate very seriously. Some nasty “evildoer” discovered the wireless frequency that a Troy, Mich., Burger King franchise uses to talk to drive-through customers. He’s been telling patrons in most unappetizing language that they’re “too fat to eat Whoppers,” among other insults.

Now the Federal Communications Commission has taken over the case. The FCC might bring in its signal detection trucks, which are normally used to track down illicit radio stations and terrorists. Federal law provides for stiff fines and jail time for those convicted of “willful or malicious” interference with radio communications, the newspaper said.

Readers wishing to experience the fast-food obscenities firsthand may not be able to have it their way. The drive-through prankster hasn’t been heard from since Thursday.

burger, food, funny, news
Ozzy’s Royal present

Jan 12th 2004

By: sushibandit

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Prince Charles has put his foot in it by giving Ozzy Osbourne a bottle of whisky as a get-well present. The problem is the 55-year-old heavy metal rocker is a recovering alcoholic.

”We heard from Prince Charles and – never let anyone say he’s a bad guy ’cause he’s all right by the Osbournes – he sent my husband a bottle of Scotch, which of course he’s not going to drink,” wife Sharon, 51, said.

Osbourne is notorious for having almost killed his wife in a drunken rage 15 years ago, an incident he subsequently freely admitted to. ”I could have got 20 years in jail. I could have killed her,” he said some three years ago.

He is recovering in his home west of London, where he had an almost fatal quad bike smash in early December.

Way to go Charles!!

drunk, English, funny, news
Spaghetti-O’s Discontinued As Franco-American Relations Break Down

Jan 9th 2004

By: sushibandit

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PARIS—With talks collapsing at the 11th hour, Franco-American relations hit an all-time low Monday, casting the future of Spaghetti-Os-brand canned pasta in serious doubt.

Thus far, three months of negotiations have yielded bitter fruit,” French minister of foods Guy Charpentier said. “Despite concessionary offers from both sides, no acceptable compromise has been reached on a number of key issues, including sauce tanginess, sodium levels, and pasta-ring size. As a result, the sort of friendly Franco-American partnership necessary to produce the neat, round spaghetti one can eat with a spoon may no longer be possible.”

In a stopgap attempt to alleviate the crisis, Italian minister of cuisine Hector Boyardee offered the Franco-American alliance an emergency airlift of “ABCs & 123s”-brand pre-cooked pasta. French officials declined the offer, however, due to their American counterparts’ insistence on pronouncing “123s” “one, two, threes” rather than “un, deux, troises.” In a recent speech to European convenience-food authorities, French president Jacques Chirac also preemptively rejected any Italian offer of pasta shaped like Spider-Man™.

food, France, Italy, parody, silly
Top Ten Messages on Britney Spears’ Answering Machine

Jan 8th 2004

By: sushibandit

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10. “This is the printing company. Your wedding announcements are ready”

9. “Hey, it’s Christina Aguilera, did you get married or did I?”

8. “It’s the printing company. Your annulment announcements are ready”

7. “Rush Limbaugh here. I’d love to try whatever you were taking the other night.”

6. “So other than the embarrassing marriage and annulment, how was Vegas?”

5. “Hey, it’s Paris. You don’t need to get married to get attention. Just have sex on the internet.”

4. “This is Kenny from high school. I have a couple of hours free on Thursday if you want to get married and divorced.”

3. “Honey, it’s Liza. Next time, instead of an annulment, hit him with a bottle.”

2. “It’s Jessica Simpson. Thanks for making me look like a genius.”

1. “Pete Rose here. I bet 10,000 dollars on your marriage lasting a week”

babe, comedy, David Letterman, Top 10
No Clear Winner In Feces-Throwing Conflict

Jan 7th 2004

By: sushibandit

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TABORA, TANZANIA—After several hours of fierce feces-slinging from both sides, no clear winner emerged Tuesday in the conflict between Tabora-area male silverback gorillas Lugo and Kamala. “While Lugo looked strong early on, heaving large quantities of his own dung at his opponent, Kamala came back with an equally impressive volley of his own,” primatologist Dr. Donald Schayes said. “We might not have a clear handle on the outcome until mating season.” The animals have tentatively scheduled an additional series of fecal flings over the next three weeks.

Africa, comedy
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