East St. Louis Rated ‘Number One City In America’ By Poverty Magazine
EAST ST. LOUIS, IL—The December issue of Poverty magazine, featuring its annual “Top American Cities” poll, hit newsstands Monday, and for the second year in a row, East St. Louis topped the list. “
East St. Louis dominated our poll yet again in 2004, topping such categories as unemployment, hubcap availability, and liquor-stores-per-capita,” Poverty editor Felicia Banks said. “The city’s educational system also rated high, boasting a student-gun ratio of 1:1.” Rounding out the top five, in descending order, were Flint, MI; Newark, NJ; Compton, CA; and Gary, IN.
AL JIZAH, EGYPT—A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact specimens of “skeleton people”—skinless, organless humans who populated the Nile delta region an estimated 6,000 years ago.
“This is an incredible find,” said Dr. Christian Hutchins, Oxford University archaeologist and head of the dig team. “Imagine: At one time, this entire area was filled with spooky, bony, walking skeletons.”
“Like humans, these creatures walked upright on two legs and possessed highly developed opposable thumbs,” Edmund-White said. “These and many other similarities lend credence to the theory that hundreds of thousands of years ago, human development passed through a skeletal stage. These skeletons may, in fact, be ancestors of us all.”
“The implications are staggering,” Hutchins continued. “We now know that the skeletons we see in horror films and on Halloween are not mere products of the imagination, but actually lived on Earth.”
Although we found crude cooking utensils in the area, as well as evidence of crafts like pottery and weaving, we are inclined to believe that the skeletons’ chief activity was jumping out at nearby humans and scaring them. And though we know little of their language and means of communication, it is likely that they said ‘boogedy-boogedy’ a lot.”
FYI you can read the other Jack Handey installments posted on November 2nd, 12th, 29th, and December 17th archives…
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”
Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in their genitals.
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, “If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.” Just then the eclipse would start, and they’d probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
Make Your Requests Now!
Happy Holly-Mollie Day!
10. “Man, you are one horney son-of-a-bitch.”
9. “I’ve never seen anyone drink so much Xerox toner.”
8. “You’ve got messages from your wife, her lawyer, the ASPCA, and both Siegfried and Roy.”
7. “Hey, dude, thanks for the kidney.”
6. “Thanks to you, now I know I’m gay.”
5. “Hey, dude, thanks for your other kidney.”
4. “You should sue the hell out of whomever posted those photos on the web.”
3. “Until you, no one had the guts to call the owner a bastard to his face.”
2. “What time this morning did the paramedics dislodge the stapler?”
1. “Security! He’s back!”
To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
http://www.zefrank.com/date_1/navigation.html … go ahead, click it! You know you want to…
Johnny Depp stars in Tim Burton’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!
My God.. one of my favorite movies of all time staring my most favorite actor, directed by one of my favorite directors, with music by one of my almost favorite composers, Danny Elfman??? I think I just wet myself!
Rather than being a remake of the 1971 Gene Wilder film “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”, Burton’s movie will reportedly be a more faithful adaptation of Dahl’s novel. See the trailer and poster on the official site… http://chocolatefactorymovie.warnerbros.com/ and tell me what you think (like, use the comments link for once, dork)
I can’t frickin wait!!!
Includes: Tiny Tim singing “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer”
more info @… http://sev.prnewswire.com/entertainment/20041110/LATU15909112004-1.html
BENTONVILLE, AR—Wal-Mart, the world’s largest discount retailer, announced its biggest-ever rollback Monday, with employee pay cuts of up to 35 percent.
“Just in time for the holiday shopping season, we’re rolling back the hourly wages of workers in every department—housewares, automotive, health and beauty, and so many more!” Wal-Mart president and CEO H. Lee Scott Jr. announced at a press conference. “From Baton Rouge to Boise, we’re continuing our tradition of low, low prices and using our muscle to create unbelievable savings!”
“Paying $7.75 an hour for a Class-2 cashier with fewer than two years’ experience?” a cheery Scott asked in amused disbelief. “How about $6.50? And $8.45 an hour for a dockworker to unload boxes of bath towels all day? We think $6.75 sounds more like it!”
“Why, some of those old stockers have been collecting dust in our aisles and ledgers for five years,” Scott said as the smiley-face ushered reluctant ex-employees and their bloated wages to the parking lot. “It’s time for a store-wide clearance! Out with the old and in with the new!”
The beaming smiley-face then placed a sign reading “Help Wanted—$5.15/Hour” in a window and welcomed in a long line of smiling job applicants bearing brand-new high-school diplomas, military discharge papers, and green cards.
“Wal-Mart is the place to find the latest of everything!” Scott said. “The benefits of having long-time employees around don’t add up to the benefits we have to pay them. It’s time for newer, fresher, cheaper faces!”