BENTONVILLE, AR—Wal-Mart, the world’s largest discount retailer, announced its biggest-ever rollback Monday, with employee pay cuts of up to 35 percent.
“Just in time for the holiday shopping season, we’re rolling back the hourly wages of workers in every department—housewares, automotive, health and beauty, and so many more!” Wal-Mart president and CEO H. Lee Scott Jr. announced at a press conference. “From Baton Rouge to Boise, we’re continuing our tradition of low, low prices and using our muscle to create unbelievable savings!”
“Paying $7.75 an hour for a Class-2 cashier with fewer than two years’ experience?” a cheery Scott asked in amused disbelief. “How about $6.50? And $8.45 an hour for a dockworker to unload boxes of bath towels all day? We think $6.75 sounds more like it!”
“Why, some of those old stockers have been collecting dust in our aisles and ledgers for five years,” Scott said as the smiley-face ushered reluctant ex-employees and their bloated wages to the parking lot. “It’s time for a store-wide clearance! Out with the old and in with the new!”
The beaming smiley-face then placed a sign reading “Help Wanted—$5.15/Hour” in a window and welcomed in a long line of smiling job applicants bearing brand-new high-school diplomas, military discharge papers, and green cards.
“Wal-Mart is the place to find the latest of everything!” Scott said. “The benefits of having long-time employees around don’t add up to the benefits we have to pay them. It’s time for newer, fresher, cheaper faces!”