A sign of the times…
McDonald’s announced this week all Ronald McDonald’s would be laid-off because of the nationwide economic crisis. It is estimated that all 347 part and full-time Ronalds will get their final checks this Friday. McDonald’s Grimace’s are unaffected by this cost-cutting move since they were never paid to begin with.
So I’m in the MGM hotel in Vegas and there is a TV show preview center for MTV, Nick, CBS and TheCW.
So I go up to one of the “Greeters” and ask him “what does CW mean?” Well, he couldn’t tell me! “What? You don’t know? You work here!” How could this guy not know anything about what he was promoting?
So I tell him… “Go ask someone else” So a guy comes out from the preview center and HE didn’t know either! WTF??? Who is hiring these people? Who is TRAINING these people?
Since this experience left me bemused and disgruntled I have decided that from now on, until someone who works for TheCW can tell me what it means, I will never, ever, fucking watch it!
A thing that sucks about our nation’s current financial unpleasantness is that Congress wants to find solutions to it and Congress happens to suck. Other people who suck in this situation include Hank Paulson and “President” George Bush Jr. Barack Obama, too, for throwing himself into this situation that can only end in a sucky outcome. And lest we forget, the American auto industry — known by its appropriately sucky metonym, “Detroit” — sucks. So. Do we give car companies money for sucking or do we let a ton of workers in depressed areas lose their jobs and family health care plans? Oh, the wacky situations America finds itself in after ignoring massive problems for decades.
The Big Three automakers and GM specifically are on the brink of bankruptcy — might not be able to meet payroll! — after the credit crunch and energy crisis made the last few American-buying consumers say to themselves, “Anyone who buys a Buick I mean LINCOLN is a fucking idiot.” House Democrats, led by her majesty Nancy “Don’t Take No Guff” Pelosi, see this situation, realize that they can’t let union interests down and start shouting, “GAHH UHHH, HERE TAKE SOME $$$$ CAR PEOPLE,” like banshees — special banshees that are concerned about Michigan and Ohio in 2012.
Barack Obama asks George Bush in a historical transition meeting to give $25 billion from the $700 billion financial bailout package to the auto industry. It would be invested in the companies under the condition that they agree to develop new green technologies. (Which they will never do, because who cares what some slappy Democrats ask in return? Those pussies would never enforce. So it would be back to the Golden Days of Capitalism for GM: burning through government cash to build cars that no will ever buy.) If GM went under, many Americans who are already struggling would, you know, really struggle, and the American auto industry would be gone forever.
George Bush tells him, HMM… maybe if you people pass that Colombian slave labor treaty first, then he’ll give it a thinky. “Not that I really care at this point,” Bush adds.
Hank Paulson hears about the Democrats’ plan to snag some of his $700 billion and says this morning, “no fuck you, get your own play money,” while handing out $100 bills to Goldman Sachs orphans.
So, Dear Readers, do you think Congress should give Car Companies money because they’re large employers and deserve one last shot at developing innovative products? Or should they undergo bankruptcy, which might be the most visceral wake-up call for the backwards American auto industry? These companies are not hugely interconnected Wall Street financial firms, so their collapses would not find a way to ruin your 401(k) if you have nothing to do with them. (Ha ha, just kidding, of course they will find a way to ruin your life.)
THIS IS A TRUE STORY!
After all the commemorative Day After Election Day newspapers are bought, will there be any profit left to be wrung from the 2008 Election Experience? One visionary named Cezar Capone believes there remains one growth sector: Sarah Palin-themed pornography. Judging by how well the first foray was received, he’s probably right! And even if he isn’t, he’s at least bold about making a dent in the marketplace: in a letter posted to his PalinSuperMILF website [SFW, by the way, it's just a letter], he offers the Alaska Governor $2 million large to star in her own show, Zack and Miri style:
Please let this writing serve as an official request. In light of the recent election results, Cezar Capone Productions would like to make you a formal offer of $2,000,000 to star in an adult “MILF” production. I am sure you are unaware that Cezar Capone is the KING of all “MILF” films. This one time offer also guarantees that you can walk away from our beautiful set with a newer and sexier wardrobe to make up for the $150,000 worth of clothes you had to give back to the GOP.
You may be asking yourself why you should even consider such a crazy proposition? The answer is simple; this film will be shot in high definition, and be a glossy, adult production starring a beautiful mother recognized by all of America as well as the rest of the world -the most desirable woman over 40! The film will be distributed internationally on DVD, as well as the website will reside on palinsupermilf.com
And this part might just be the dealmaker: We have taken into consideration that there may be some hesitation to star in an adult production with male talent other than your husband so we are also prepared to kick in an extra $100,000.00 for your husband Todd to star in the movie with you, along with a brand new Arctic Cat snowmobile for him to sweeten the deal.
On his first day as President Elect Obama takes a call from the Canadian Prime Mister Stephen Harper only to find out the phone Ashton Kutcher handed him was upside down! BURN!!
How Ashton and an MTV camera crew got into his room is still under investigation.