Southern California circa 1965
Southern California sorority girls of 1965 love their plush animals. Life was so perfect then. Over half of this group was sill a virgin. And look, no one of color. The only colors here are their 7 pink, 10 blue and 3 tan pajamas. Their overwhelming favorite band was the Beach Boys and all of them could dance “The Pony.” Little did they know how much their lives would change over the next 45 years. Of the 20 pictured in their jammies…
7 never got their degree.
2 die in car accidents. 1 died from drug overdose. 6 are now dead.
12 were married twice and of those 4 were married three times.
3 still smoke. 4 had boob jobs. 7 had face lifts
4 had sex with a black man at least once. 2 will never admit it.
11 had kids from different fathers, 7 were not married when they became pregnant. 4 got pregnant while still in school.
1 joined a cult and was never heard from again. 1 still works at Disneyland.
1 turned tricks in the 70′s to support her drug habit. 5 are alcoholics and 1 has over 20 years of sobriety in AA.
3 are over 200 lbs. 2 were sexually abused in their childhood
1 is married to a republican politician who was recently indited for fraud. 1 is divorcing her minister husband of 40 years due to a sex scandal with little boys
9 are married, of thoses 4 are happily married. 3 are single. 1 is a happy lesbian!
I was in San Fransisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I’d try to stall and detain him, long enough for me to put the film in. I said, “Don’t jump!” and he turns… You’ve heard of the elephant man. He was kind of like that, he had a, well, you could say he had the head of a horse. And my heart went out to him. I said, “Why the long face?”
He said, “‘Cause all my life people have called me mean names like horses-head or Flicka or chess-piece or Trigger…”
I said, “Well, don’t worry about it, Ed. It can’t be that bad.”
He said, “My girlfriend’s suing me!”
I said, “For palomino?”
He said, “Why was I put on this Earth?”
I said, “My friend, anywhere else you wouldn’t stand a chance.”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you, you silly ninny.”
He said, “How do you know there’s a God?”
I said, “Of course there’s a God. Do you think that billions of years ago a bunch of molecules floating around at random could someday have had the sense of humor to make you look like that?”
He said, “I do believe in God.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me too. Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me too! What franchise?”
He says, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He says, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He says, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I say, “Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?”
He says, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist.”
I say, “Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?”
He says, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I say, “Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He says, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over!
SAN JOSE, Calif. – All Tamar Sherman wanted to do was pet a dog and give it some water. Sherman’s act left her with a criminal record. A few months ago, Sherman was walking near her South San Jose home and encountered a dog left outside in the cold while its owners were inside. Sherman, a member of a national group called Dogs Deserve Better, decided to pet the dog on a few occassions and once gave it water. That didn’t please the dog’s owner.
“When I went out there to fill up the dog bowl, this woman was standing in my back yard,” attorney Ron Berki told the San Jose Mercury News. “My response was, `Who … are you?’ She told me, `I’m here to pet your dog.”’
For that, Sherman pleaded guilty this week to two misdemeanors – trespassing and prowling – and was sentenced to 75 hours of community service and a year of probation. She also was ordered to stay at least 100 yards away from Berki’s home. “I just wanted to find out if a dog that seemed to be in distress was OK,” Sherman told the paper. “I do not think my actions were a crime in comparison with abuse or neglect of animals.” Berki denies that his dog, Bailey, was abused or neglected, saying the dog sleeps inside with him every night. “If Miss Sherman was so concerned about my dog, it would have been easy to come to my front door and speak to me directly,” he said.
SOLEDAD, CA—A pen-wide smoking ban instituted last week devastated the Salinas Valley State Prison’s fragile economy, inmate #67545 said Monday. “There were occasional fluctuations or recalibrations, but a bar of soap used to equal three cigarettes; a Snickers, four; a Percocet, 15,” said Kenneth Oglivy, a former WorldCom accountant serving 10 years for embezzlement.
“After the ban, the value of a carton of Newports climbed to 50 times its 2003 value. Now that those cigarettes are gone, it’s total chaos.” Oglivy said Salinas Valley inmates will have to devise a new system of value based on some other commodity, such as assholes.
“In his apology, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women that he groped, and he admitted that he had acted badly. Not only that, Arnold then apologized for acting badly in all of his movies.” —Conan O’Brien
“Arnold said this is a last minute attack by Democrats. How did Arnold know to grope only Democrats?” —Jay Leno
“Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I’m sorry, that is next year’s joke.” —Craig Kilborn
“Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.” —Jay Leno
“Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.” —Conan O’Brien
Schwarzenegger Running Out Of Movie-Related Campaign Slogans
LOS ANGELES—Two months after he announced his candidacy for the California gubernatorial recall election, Arnold Schwarzenegger is running out of movie-related campaign quips. “Government and special-interest groups should not be ‘Twins,’” the actor said during the Sept. 24 debate. At a fundraising breakfast Monday, the actor told a confused group of business leaders, “I will ‘Jingle All The Way’ to Sacramento!” Breakfast attendee Ken Straus said Schwarzenegger “really hit the bottom of the barrel” minutes later, when the actor announced, “In the movies, I played Hercules going bananas. But it’s the tax-and-spend Democrats who are really going bananas.”
California recall debate features all 135 candidates
Sacramento — The first debate of California’s recall election gave voters the chance to get to know each of the candidates on a personal level, and understand the intricacies of their positions on a variety of complicated platforms.
Due to time constraints by the major television networks who agreed to air the debate nationally, each candidate had only six seconds to respond to questions posed by the moderators. That didn’t stop the finest political minds in the state from making a deep impact in their quest for the governorship of California.
“It’s, ah, my belief that…” started Hustler publisher Larry Flynt, before being cut short by the time buzzer. “I’m sorry, sir, your time is up,” said moderator Jim Lehrer. “Next down the line, please! Quickly!” The monotony of the evening was broken up as adult actress Mary Carey performed a lap dance for Lehrer.
A scuffle was reported outside the debate as former presidential candidate Ralph Nader was turned away from being allowed to participate.
Punch cards keep punch lines alive
In a ruling that was hailed by comedians across the land, a panel of judges has decided that California’s recall-o-rama is so entertaining that it should be extended for five more months.
The federal appeals court said the state’s punch-card voting machines are too antiquated and unreliable to be used. In a related ruling, the judges also threw out the results of every election since 1964, when the machines were introduced.
“Every officeholder voted in by using punch-card ballot machines will have to run again,” the judges said. “The only downside is that we can’t recall ourselves as well.” According to other sources, the court’s decision to delay the Oct. 7 recall vote relied on a heretofore unknown section of the 14th Amendment that reads: “No state shall … use punch-card ballots … in any specially called election against a Democrat incumbent. Nothing in this section shall preclude such state from using punch-card ballots to reelect said Democrat in a regularly scheduled election.”
But the ruling was good news for late-night comics, who were worried their recall joke goldmine would run out three weeks from now. As an added comedy bonus, Jesse Jackson said he would come to California today to campaign against the recall — at least until he has time to become a resident and run for governor himself.