New York (AP): Police today found God Jesus and his Mother Mary brutily shot in his upper east-side apartment. Police say they suspect it was either a mob revenge killing or a drug deal gone bad.
now get over it!
The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree… yeah, that makes perfect sense to me.
WARSAW – A Benedictine nun is facing jail for driving a tractor into a car while drunk outside her convent in southwestern Poland, police say.
The 45-year-old nun will be charged with drunk-driving and causing an accident, which carries a prison sentence of up to two years, Dariusz Waluch, police spokesman in the southwestern Polish town of Dzierzoniow, told local news agency PAP.
He said the nun was 17 times over the country’s legal alcohol limit for driving.
Downing pints of beer and telling blue jokes at funeral services will no longer be tolerated by Roman Catholic priests in Ireland.
In a move aimed at halting the growing trend towards “a la carte” funerals, mourners have been warned against placing photographs and football shirts on coffins. The worst examples of inappropriate behaviour during services that have been cited by priests included the drinking of cans of beer in memory of the deceased during one eulogy, and a display of women’s underwear on a coffin on another occasion.
One eulogy was even delivered in the style of a best man’s speech, complete with risque jokes. But now the National Centre for Liturgy, which looks after church rituals, has announced moves to curb such irreligious behaviour. Its spokesman, Father Patrick Jones, said the guidelines were intended to promote best practice rather than tell relatives how to grieve.
This year, pop songs were given the boot from weddings in County Kerry, in the south-west of Ireland. Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On, from the film Titanic, and the song Angels by Robbie Williams had been popular requests.
One word for this “BORING!”
Pope John Paul II – 25 Years of Laughs
VATICAN CITY—As Pope John Paul II enters his 26th year as pontiff, the world is stopping to reflect on the legendary funnyman’s career as one of the most influential performers in modern history. Standing staunchly against contraception and women’s equality right through the turn of the 21st century, the pope and his quirky, deadpan comic persona still entertain audiences around the world.
Revered by multiple generations for his weird and wonderful wit, the 83-year-old pontiff is perhaps the best-known stand-up alive today. Throughout an amazing two and a half decades as head of the Catholic Church, the pope has produced, in both his live appearances and his published works, a treasure trove of humor second to none.
“I can still remember seeing him do his classic ‘Galileo’ bit in the early ’90s,” said fellow comedian George Carlin, referring to the pope’s 1992 declaration that the church erred in condemning Galileo. “Here was this man, appearing on televisions around the world, making a proclamation that the sun does not move around the earth. I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks.” “No one could touch the pope,” Carlin added. “Hell, no one even tried. He was in a class of his own. One of a kind.”
“The pope would always lean on his material about sex,” director Woody Allen said. “He had this crazy, special way of looking at the world. I definitely count him among my influences.” “People would wait in line for hours to see him,” comedian Joey Bishop said. “And he never failed to deliver. He’d be out there working the crowd—shaking hands, kissing babies. Wherever he went, they loved him.”