10. “With a poll like that, I’m suprised he can gallup at all.”
9. “She starts chanting, ‘four more minutes! four more minutes!’”
8. “That’s not the voting lever, but don’t stop pulling.”
7. “This isn’t how it looks–I’m just joining a third party.”
6. I prefer Bush, but I don’t know who I’ll vote for.”
5. “So that’s where Katherine Harris was hiding the Al Gore votes.”
4. “Unfortunately, his margin of error was plus or minus three inches.”
3. “Get used to it, honey–we live in a swing state.”
2. “I thought you had trouble maintaining an election.”
1. “I saw your sister with Mary Cheney–there was no sign of Dick.”
Now I know why Christians don’t do on-line dating services.
10. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. — Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
9. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. — (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
8. Find a prostitute and marry her. — Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
7. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. — Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. — Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
5. Don’t be so picky! Make up for quality with quantity. (Mormons like this one) — Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
4. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative of course.) — Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
3. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. — Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
2. (I like this one) Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. — David (I Samuel 18:27)
1. A wife?…NOT!!! — Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
10. Organizers lobbying for new event: Yelling at contractor to hurry the hell up
9. Committee still hasn’t selected really gay theme for opening ceremonies
8. Makeshift olympic symbol made of five interlocking poppy seed bagels
7. Yesterday, Athens’ mayor said, “Wait, we’re hosting the Olympics?”
6. Thanks to mailroom blunder, all the steroids were shipped to crete
5. Builders brought only one hammer and a box of wood screws
4. Olympic visitors center to be ready in early 2006
3. The athletes have to share a gyro
2. All the “Greece” signs have a photo of John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John
1. “Olympic Stadium” just a bunch of lawn chairs in an Applebee’s parking lot
10. Cheney’s official white house parking space is now in West Virginia
9. Latest bumper stickers read: “vote for Bush and (to be determined)”
8. CIA says it has indisputable evidence that Cheney will remain on the ticket
7. Cheney’s been asking crooked oil companies if they have any job openings
6. All the white house defibrillator stations have been removed
5. Cheney’s new I.D. card reads “valid through next Tuesday”
4. G.O.P. has spent 20 million dollars on campaign commercials giving exact location of Cheney’s undisclosed location
3. Rumsfeld keeps jumping out at him from behind doors yelling, “boo!”
2. As with all major decisions, he’s asked Cheney to figure out the best way to terminate the Vice President
1. Bush asked his dad if he still has Quayle’s number
10. “Listen, I’m not good with math”
9. “The good news is you’re getting a huge refund — the bad news is you’ll have to hide in Costa Rica for a while”
8. “I’ll gladly waive my fee for a night with your wife”
7. “Hey, get me a drink!”
6. “Do you have any dedemptions or exuptions or whatever?”
5. “Relax, everything here will be fine — I used to work for Enron”
4. “Screw the computer — I do all my work on an Etch-A-Sketch”
3. “What’s your rush? The deadline is June 15th, right?”
2. “You can’t claim yourself as your own spouse”
1. “I was late filling your return so I could appear on Letterman”
10. “Hey — no shoving, Monsignor!”
9. “I don’t know why they added subtitles — everyone speaks Aramaic”
8. “I’m hoping my medium Mountain Dew will miraculously be changed into an extra large Mountain Dew”
7. “These ‘Lord of the Ring’ films are getting odder and odder”
6. “Was this really based on a book?”
5. “Twelve dollars for a movie ticket? Now that’s a sin, am I right, people?”
4. “The Pope loved it almost as much as “Barber Shop 2′”
3. “Uh…I don’t feel like dinner right now.”
2. “That was awesome when Trump fired Pontius Pilate”
1. “Don’t tell me the ending”
10. For Valentine’s Day he gives you a box of Pop Tarts and says, “If you need me, I’ll be at Hooters.”
9. The only thing you have in common is your hatred for one another.
8. You ask the guy at Hallmark where the “Controlling Bitch” section is.
7. You keep finding receipts for the guys she’s hired to kill you.
6. You still haven’t forgiven him for nailing that fat intern when he was a resident.
5. She brings a date to couples counselling.
4. You just married Liza Minnelli.
3. He won’t shut up about how great his secretary is in bed.
2. You sleep in separate beds in separate bedrooms in separate houses in separate states.
1. Her pet nickname for you — “Numb-nuts.”
9. Diseased Chimp Petting Zoo
8. Mr. Toad’s Wild Hyperbaric Chamber
7. Country Bear Crotch-Grabbin’ Jamboree
6. Michael’s Haunted Pants
5. Guess Tito’s Weight
4. Used Surgical Mask Trampoline
3. 20,000 Leagues Under The Scalpel
2. The Lipo-Coaster
1. Deposition Land
10. Both teams wear the same uniform
9. Replace players’ oxygen tanks with laughing gas
8. Every fan gets one of those referee microphones
7. Helmets that make comical “boing” sound effect
6. End-zone dances choreographed by the fabulous Tommy Tune
5. A day before the game, both teams redecorate each other’s locker rooms
4. Two words: jet packs
3. Halftime lecture series by Federal Reserve chairman, Alan Greenspan
2. Lift “no flirting” rule in the huddle
1. Losing coach has to give John Madden open-mouth kiss
10. Dick Cheney needs a new undisclosed location
9. It’s part of his “No Planet Left Behind” initiative
8. Great deal on the off-season airfare right now at Expedia.com
7. Maybe we’ll find some weapons of mass destruction there
6. We’ve run out of places on Earth to drill for oil
5. Hoping to get Mork’s autograph
4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections
3. Dude, free Mars bars
2. Why not? It’s not like we have an enormous debt or failing economy
1. Pete Rose bet him we wouldn’t do it
10. “This is the printing company. Your wedding announcements are ready”
9. “Hey, it’s Christina Aguilera, did you get married or did I?”
8. “It’s the printing company. Your annulment announcements are ready”
7. “Rush Limbaugh here. I’d love to try whatever you were taking the other night.”
6. “So other than the embarrassing marriage and annulment, how was Vegas?”
5. “Hey, it’s Paris. You don’t need to get married to get attention. Just have sex on the internet.”
4. “This is Kenny from high school. I have a couple of hours free on Thursday if you want to get married and divorced.”
3. “Honey, it’s Liza. Next time, instead of an annulment, hit him with a bottle.”
2. “It’s Jessica Simpson. Thanks for making me look like a genius.”
1. “Pete Rose here. I bet 10,000 dollars on your marriage lasting a week”
10. He’s begun selling elves on e-bay
9. Giving every child in world a broken Slinky and a card that reads “Go nuts”
8. Complaining that he’s a grown man “surrounded by midgets and red-nosed donkeys”
7. Yesterday in a quiet ceremony, converted to Islam
6. Has been making personal appearances wearing Mrs. Claus’s red velvet gown
5. After first “Ho…” often trails off into silence
4. Long rambling addresses to elves about black helicopters
3. His “Christmas carols” contain a lot of rhymes with the word “Nantucket”
2. Violated longstanding agreement by outing Blitzen
1. He’s down to 530 pounds
10. She refers to your bed as “Santa’s Workshop”.
9. An elf comes by the house to drop off a pair of her earrings.
8. Your new baby has white hair and a beard.
7. She smells like a combination of peppermints sticks and reindeer chow.
6. Instead of mailing your children’s letters to Santa, she just stuffs them in her bra.
5. Paramedics need jaws of life to get the two of them out of your chimney.
4. Lately, she’s been commuting to work in a flying sled.
3. She keeps saying, “Not tonight — visions of sugarplums are dancingin my head.”
2. For Christmas, your kids receive something called, “The Your-Daddy-Sucks Doll”.
1. During sex she shouts, “Ho, ho, ho!”
(a David Letterman follow-up of my Tuesday November 11, 2003 blog)
10. Only slightly more rubbery and unappealing than clams
9. It’s better than finding a clam in your condom
8. Provides 35% of the recommended daily allowance of latex
7. You can use it to take home any clam you don’t finish
6. Ever eat Cracker Jacks? Well, think of it as a prize
5. It made the Band-Aid salad look like a gourmet meal
4. Does the phrase “damages for emotional pain and suffering” ring a bell?”
3. Mmm Mmm Ribbed!
2. For Bill Clinton, it’s one-stop shopping
1. It’s a lot better than not finding it
10. Apologize for racist remarks by explaining he was high on illegal painkillers
9. Pat down friends and family to see who’s wearing a wire
8. Announce his candidacy for governor of California
7. End pill addiction — get back to sandwich addiction
6. Search desperately for some way to blame the Clintons
5. Make moves on soon-to-be-single Halle Berry
4. Tell Donovan McNabb derogatory remarks were part of new season of “‘d”
3. Brunch with Robert Downey Jr.
2. Dinner with Trent Lott
1. Check job listings for pompous blowhard
10. Dozens of boxes of crime reports were stolen
9. Thanks to NAFTA, much of America’s crime now committed in Mexico
8. Go on a shooting rampage and miss an all-new episode of “Sex and the City”? Yeah, right!
7. Why steal a DVD player from Circuit City when their prices are so low, they’re practically giving them away!
6. O.J. verdict taught the world if you commit a crime, it cuts into golf!
5. I don’t know…something to do with Mars?
4. Crooks know they’ll get caught just like Osama or Saddam
3. Most of the good stuff’s already been stolen
2. Winona hasn’t gone “shopping” for her fall wardrobe yet
1. All the losers and deadbeats are in California running for governor
10. Questions may be answered in English, German, or a combination of both
9. Long breaks to allow screenwriters to craft candidates’ responses
8. Debate ends when gasoline truck plows through wall and Arnold gets everyone out just before the whole place blows up
7. Candidates may use their time to show 90-second clip from “Terminator”
6. No tricky words like “budget” or “Sacramento”
5. Attire — bathing suit and baby oil
4. Candidate receives standard 30-million dollar fee, plus 10 percent of box office gross
3. Moderator — Lou Ferrigno
2. No questions that can’t be answered “I’ll be back”
1. Arnold must win