Don’t push me!
Carbon dioxide is “essentially harmless” to human beings and good for plants. So now will you stop worrying about global warming?
Utah’s House of Representatives apparently has. Officially the most Republican state in America, its political masters have adopted a resolution condemning “climate alarmists”, and disputing any scientific basis for global warming. The measure, which passed by 56-17, has no legal force, though it was predictably claimed by climate change sceptics as a great victory.
The original version of the bill dismissed climate science as a “well organised and ongoing effort to manipulate and incorporate “tricks” related to global temperature data in order to produce a global warming outcome”. It accused those seeking action on climate change of riding a “gravy train” and their efforts would “ultimately lock billions of human beings into long-term poverty”.
In the heat of the debate, the representative Mike Noel said environmentalists were part of a vast conspiracy to destroy the American way of life and control world population through forced sterilisation and abortion.
By the time the final version of the bill came to a vote, cooler heats apparently prevailed. The bill dropped the word “conspiracy”, and described climate science as “questionable” rather than “flawed”. It also called on the federal government’s Environmental Protection Agency to order an immediate halt in its moves to regulate greenhouse gas emissions “until a full and independent investigation of climate data and global warming science can be substantiated”.
Probably because everyone’s scared to death of losing their jobs!
Something is becoming more and more apparent to me. The implementation of the stimulus plan is being disabled by former president Bush appointees still within the federal bureaucracy. They are doing it with a prodigious amount of red tape and delay tactics to keep these much needed funds out of the economy.
This effort has one goal, to discredit Obama’s stimulus program by forcing local economies into a sharper decline. Unless this stonewalling by Bush appointees is stopped, our economy will just get worse. We have to remove ALL Bush appointees and their second-level cronies from office NOW.
These supposed Christians made a mockery of their faith in October 2008, when they cavorted about this golden idol of mammon, the Molten Calf of Wall Street, because obviously the best way to head off a global recession is to sing “God Bless America” to a statue of an animal. What has happened since these idolaters demanded that Jesus fix the stock markets? Let’s take a look!
So, while it may be impossible to time a market, it’s a pretty good bet that when fundamentalist conservative Christians are praying to a golden bull, you should pretty much move all your stocks and bonds to cash for at least six months!
Original Story posted: Wednesday, October 29, 2008 http://www.sushibandit.com/2008/10/jesus-people-pray-that-false-idol-will.html
Lets get this straight. After they led us over the cliff we should stop and listen to them while we fall to our deaths?
Our biggest mistake was trying to play fair and be inclusive. All they ever did was try to shame us “liberals” into submission. Well that is done. Time for all Republicans to sit down and shut the fuck up. We ain’t going to listen to your “wonderful” ideas any more.
A depression is good news for people who don’t mind getting rich off the misery of others. The longer the downturn lasts, the more money you can make in a variety of “borderline-legal” and “semi-ethical” but high-paying home businesses!
Businesses like kitchen dentistry, toilet-paper gouging, road-kill take-out, unlicensed beer, wine and whisky sales, amateur protection rackets, backyard burial services and many, many more.
The scenario isn’t pretty, but make no mistake – it can work to your advantage if you go to work without delay. For starters, you should hoard items that everybody will need after the collapse – items like toilet paper, condoms, knives, guns, bullets, birth control pills, clean water and food. You also need to prepare yourself psychologically to take advantage of neighbors, family members and friends in the toughest of Fortune 500 traditions. This is not a strategy for ‘people who care about people.’ It’s a strategy for people who care about money – and who want to get rich at any cost.
The good news is that you don‘t need a lot of money to make a lot money during a depression. A basic understanding of capitalism – and a willingness to put compassion on the back burner while you extract wealth from desperate people in desperate need – are all it takes to accumulate riches in the worst of times.
Deflation kicks in. The Federal Reserve this afternoon is expected to cut the fed funds rate from 1% to .5%, a modern record. The government is printing more money than you can shake a stick at, all night, every night, to give to financial companies. This should be an incredibly sexy time to make LOANS.
Overnight loans, car loans, Truck Nutz loans, who cares, loans loans loans, free money! The only problem is that we’ve developed a terrorist’s mindset in which the American economy, as a whole, has become the enemy.
It is a poison. The economy will kill you if you step near it. We do not wish to bring our money to this… this “thing.” It is made of several trillion different flavors of death. Last week, for example, the yield on three-month Treasuries fell below zero for the first time ever, meaning people were effectively paying the government to hold onto their cash.
People will have nothing to do with this fucking economy in any way. It is made of garbage and dead rats and synthetic collateralized debt obligations and poop.
A sign of the times…
McDonald’s announced this week all Ronald McDonald’s would be laid-off because of the nationwide economic crisis. It is estimated that all 347 part and full-time Ronalds will get their final checks this Friday. McDonald’s Grimace’s are unaffected by this cost-cutting move since they were never paid to begin with.
Well here they are, at the Wall Street bull statue thing, praying to Jesus for money. The dingbat has explained, “We are going to intercede at the site of the statue of the bull on Wall Street to ask God to begin a shift from the bull and bear markets to what we feel will be the ‘Lion’s Market,’ or God’s control over the economic systems.”
Don’t they know that God taking over the economic systems would be SOCIALISM from SPACE? Also: God will be very mad that they are worshiping a bronze idol here, since his second commandment PROHIBITS THAT, duh?
WASHINGTON, DC—In a grand opening Monday, Washington became home to the first Homeless Depot, one link in a nationwide chain of warehouse-style stores that will supply the nation’s estimated 350,000 homeless people with all of their street-lifestyle essentials.
“There are 14,000 homeless people in D.C. alone, but there’s never been a retail business that catered to their unique needs,” store manager Geoff Alberts said. “Homeless Depot is a one-stop spot for cardboard building supplies, used carpet scraps, filthy woolen blankets, and flattened garbage-can lids. We also sell coffee cups, cigarette butts, soiled clothing, expired coupons, June 2001 People magazines, and half-empty containers of Dippity-Do hairstyling gel. Best of all, we have really nice, big, sturdy shopping carts.”
“The liquor department features more than 40 types of fortified wine, 30 different malt beverages, and a full selection of budget-priced liquors, including Old Thompson Whiskey and McCormick Vodka,” Alberts said, gesturing to racks stretching up to the store’s two-story ceiling. “We’re able to offer alcoholics their favorite brands at prices up to 15 percent lower than those at convenience stores.”
NEW YORK (AP) — A college student who says he spent eight months sleeping in a library basement because he couldn’t afford campus housing has been relocated to a free dormitory room, New York University officials said.
Sophomore Steve Stanzak, 20, said he began spending six hours a night in the sub-basement of Bobst Library at the beginning of the academic year after he was unable to pay a $1,000 housing deposit. He slept on library chairs and carried vital belongings — a laptop computer, books, clothes — in his backpack. University officials eventually discovered an online blog Stanzak kept about his experiences and relocated him to a free dorm room last Tuesday.
“I thank everyone who helps me get through the day, and makes me realize that although I’m poor and live in a library … that I’m learning a lot about life, and that I will make it through this,” he said in his blog.
Stanzak, who dubbed himself “Bobst Boy” on the Web site, says he washed in the library’s bathroom and took occasional showers at friends’ apartments and dorm rooms. Although he works four jobs and has several student loans, Stanzak said he received no financial assistance from his family and had only enough money to cover tuition, about $31,000 a year for full-time undergraduates.
YONKERS, NY—According to a study published in the April issue of Boating Magazine, owning a boat is not even close to worth it. “Our study proved conclusively that boat-ownership is primarily an inconvenience and a monetary black hole,” editor Roger Bernbaum said.
“We found little to no reason to keep that thing sitting in a shed all winter just so you can tow it to the lake and pay outrageous docking fees three weekends a year. It’d be much more cost-efficient to don a yachting cap and hang out at the dockhouse.”
The May issue of Boating promises to explore the financial viability of seaside vacation homes.
NEW YORK—After falling 6 percent in the past three weeks, the U.S. dollar hit a 208-year low against the U.S. quarter, which had been valued at exactly 0.25 dollars since its introduction in 1796.
“The dollar continues to slide against most major currencies,” Morgan Stanley analyst Richard Jemison said. “At the end of the day Tuesday, the quarter was trading at .267 yen, .203 euros, and US$0.28. But what we’re really seeing here is not just a dollar weakened by a sluggish economy, but an exceptionally resilient quarter-dollar.”
Jemison was quick to point out that the dollar remains very strong against the nickel.
SOLEDAD, CA—A pen-wide smoking ban instituted last week devastated the Salinas Valley State Prison’s fragile economy, inmate #67545 said Monday. “There were occasional fluctuations or recalibrations, but a bar of soap used to equal three cigarettes; a Snickers, four; a Percocet, 15,” said Kenneth Oglivy, a former WorldCom accountant serving 10 years for embezzlement.
“After the ban, the value of a carton of Newports climbed to 50 times its 2003 value. Now that those cigarettes are gone, it’s total chaos.” Oglivy said Salinas Valley inmates will have to devise a new system of value based on some other commodity, such as assholes.
WASHINGTON—According to the results of an intensive two-year study, Americans living below the poverty line are “pretty much screwed,” Center for Social and Economic Research executive director Jameson Park announced Monday.
“Although poor people have never had it particularly sweet, America has long been considered the land of opportunity, where upward class mobility is hard work’s reward,” Park said. “However, our study shows that limited access to quality education and a shortage of employment opportunities in depressed areas all but ensure that, once screwed, an individual tends to stay screwed.”
According to U.S. Census Bureau statistics, 34.6 million Americans were living below the poverty line in 2002. “Not only are the down-and-out screwed, but the number of down-and-out screwed is growing,” Park said. “Conditions of disadvantage are often passed from one generation to the next, making it especially difficult for young people to emerge from the cycle of poverty.”
As a result, Park said, there are more poor people, and those poor people are much more screwed than poor people were a decade or two ago. “As the split between the upper and lower classes grows, and the middle class continues to shrink, we’re moving closer and closer to what can only be called a ‘no way out, dude. Sorry, you’re screwed’-type situation,” Park said. “Not only are the poor screwed at the moment, but any chance they once had of changing their miserable lives is pretty much gone, too. Essentially, they’re screwed for all time.”
The CSER study identified four major poverty groups within the U.S. The first two groups—one composed of disenfranchised blue-collar workers, the other made up of members of poor rural populations. Researchers have dubbed disenfranchised blue-collar workers the Factory Screwed, while members of poor rural populations are called the Farm Screwed. Park characterized the individuals in these two groups as “screwed from the get-go.”
The other two rapidly expanding groups are the suburban poor, whose members can’t afford the rising cost of such basic necessities as healthcare, and the urban underclass, whose members are found in the nation’s troubled inner cities. Researchers termed these groups the Recently Screwed and the Utterly Screwed.
While he expressed concern for the nation’s poor, House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) said increased funding for social programs isn’t the answer. “Nobody’s saying poor people aren’t screwed,” Hastert said. “But what about all the people in this great nation who are not screwed? If the financial resources of the economically stable are diverted—through some well-intentioned but fiscally irresponsible social-service program—to the people who are screwed, where does that leave those who were sailin’ along fine? Screwed.”
Ed Cranston, an under-employed, Detroit-area machinist who made $14,000 last year, said he was not surprised by the report. “They say I’m screwed?” Cranston asked. “Shit, man, tell me something I don’t know.”
GROSSE POINTE, MI—As part of the ongoing trend toward replacing U.S. workers with foreign labor, the marital duties of United Carborundum CEO Howard Reinhardt have been outsourced to his Mexican groundskeeper, industry sources revealed Monday.
“It was time for a change,” said Reinhardt’s wife Melanie, who has been married to the CEO for 17 years and has conducted her sexual business almost exclusively with him since 1984. “While I was generally satisfied with the level of servicing that I received under Howard, it was my feeling that a younger, more aggressive hand on the tiller might bring some new ideas into play. No matter how mutually satisfying the old deal was, its time had passed.” Although specific terms of the arrangement have not been made public, Melanie allowed that she has been “very pleased” by the new supplier—Jorge Escobedo, a 26-year-old gardener from Sierra Mojada who has been working in the U.S. since February.
“The switchover was seamless, considering how rapidly the deal was closed,” said Melanie, who initiated the informal arrangement with Escobedo on Nov. 20, while he was cleaning the equipment shed. “Well, in truth, I was considering a move in this direction for some time, and looking into possibilities. Then Jorge offered me a very attractive package, and I decided it was in my interest to act. I’ve been very pleased with his initial performance.” Melanie said Escobedo beats her former provider in availability, reliability, and turnaround. He also requires minimal emotional investment from Melanie, who is the sole receiver of the goods under the new arrangement. Melanie offered few details on the ins-and-outs of the deal, but she did report that the outsourcing is limited to Reinhardt’s marital duties. All previous supply arrangements with Reinhardt, including those pertaining to housing and finance, are still very much in effect.
“This isn’t some sort of challenge to the American workforce as a whole,” Melanie said. “I’m just sending the jobs where they’re going to be done most efficiently. The acquisition of houses, automobiles, and clothing will all still be in Howard’s wheelhouse, but groundskeeping and plowing are now to be managed by Jorge. It just makes sense.”
Melanie said the outsourcing is a direct response to the expansion of Reinhardt’s duties at United Carborundum. “Howard is simply too busy to personally keep track of every detail of the marital union,” Melanie said. “As long as he’s available when he’s needed—major Reinhardt-family gatherings and the United Carborundum holiday ball—I’m happy to have someone else’s input day-to-day.”
The Reinhardt household has been moving toward a more modular operation for years now. Laundry duties are handled by a small Chinese concern; child-rearing and education are performed by a live-in salaried Irish employee; and a loosely organized, rotating consortium of Italians, Japanese, and Greeks handles food service. The sexual-services agreement, however, marks the Reinhardts’ first use of highly skilled foreign manpower. The news of the outsourcing was met with little surprise in the greater Detroit area, where community members are used to seeing hard-won jobs go to foreign labor, and are aware of cooling relations in the Reinhardt household.
“This proposal might not be the win-win situation that Melanie is projecting,” said Philip Johannsen, business writer for the Detroit Free Press. “But it’s going to be tough for Howard to say he didn’t see it coming. When it came time to find a groundskeeper, he delegated the crucial domestic-hiring decision to his wife. He knows she’s a very proactive person, so it shouldn’t surprise him that she took the initiative to shore up areas of the household where she saw standards slipping.”
“If American executives are not willing to shoulder the increased personal investment of time and energy required to keep the jobs in-house, globalization is just something they’re going to have to accept,” Johannsen added. Howard Reinhardt was unavailable for comment, as he was scouting locations in Oaxaca for a boron-nitride factory.
President proud of new economic numbers
Columbus, Ohio — President Bush bragged about newly released GDP numbers today while hinting that he’s pretty sure that good things are in store for the economy. “The figures handed to me by some unknown element in my administration are probably good news. Uh, something about 7.2% of something. Not sure if that’s up or down, but it’s a nice little number either way,” said the President. “It’s good? Oh, okay, trust us, it’s good. We rule!”