Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man. I was crushed. So I said, “Get off me, you two!”
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid … and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.