All articles in category: "England,parody,sick,silly"
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English Orphan Control
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The Honeymoon Suite is all Decked-out!
Only the best for the royal couple. Congrats to Will and Kate!
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Fans from Manchester, England
(L to R) Kate, Penny, and Rose
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Not Quite A Sushi Bar
I have no idea where this place is… there seems to be a lot of hot foods served with some sushi rolls. Cool conveyor belt design though! Click on it to make it bigger so you can figure out what they are serving.
UPDATE: thanks to “Wahnula” this is Yo! Sushi in Manchester England. It is a chain of restrauants in the U.K., U.A.E. Russia, Ireland, and Malaysia. How cool!
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Winnie-the-Pooh Dead at 95
(artist’s sketch of the murder scene)
Today Mr. “Winnie-The-Pooh” suffered a fatal attack from known assailants in the hundred acres wood. His life long friends and former partners named “Tigger”, “Piglet”, and “Rabbit” (no last names) are accused in masterminding his and his lieutenant Eyore’s murder in order to take over his “Hunny” trade.
He recently had monopolized Cheshire county’s trade in high quality Hunny distribution and according to sources was threatening to corner the market throughout Somerset. Implicated in the disappearance of Christopher Robin in 1979 he was brought to trial but never convicted.
Winnie-The-Pooh: 1926-2010
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My Neighbors
click it…
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Lily!
O.K. just one kiss..
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“She-pee” urinals relieve Glastonbury
LONDON – Female revellers at the Glastonbury Festival will be able to enjoy this year’s show without straining their bladders — courtesy of stand-up urinals.
Organisers have installed two sets of the urinals around the main Pyramid stage for the exclusive use of women, complete with “concierge” attendants to ensure a dignified experience.
Key to the arrangement is a special, anatomically shaped funnel to be handed out to each user. “There are plenty of places the men can go and have a pee when they’re right in the middle of the festival and not near some of the proper toilets. These are the female equivalent of that,” said a spokesman for the festival.
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FROG FOUND IN STIR FRY
A Cambridge man has sparked an investigation after a live frog hopped out of his stir fry vegetables, reports say.
Paul Wiltshire was preparing dinner for his girlfriend when the red-footed amphibian jumped out of his wok. He bought the Marks & Spencer stir fry vegetables earlier in the day and said he was shocked when the frog jumped onto the kitchen bench.
“I couldn’t believe what I had seen. But I managed to catch it and rang Marks & Spencer. I think they thought it was a joke first”. The store said they would offer a refund for the vegetables, which were packed in Kenya, but only if the bemused chef posted the frog to them first.
Paul refused and contacted a local vet, who contacted the environmental health office. He said: “We were worried as some frogs sweat poisonous substances and we’d eaten one of the leaves before we realized it.”
…if it was me, i’d be hopping mad!
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Birdwatchers witness Sparrowhawk devour rare robin for lunch
Birdwatchers from all over Britain who gathered in Grimsby to catch sight of a rare American robin were horrified to see her eaten by a passing Sparrowhawk. They were still setting up their cameras when the predator swooped down from a row of drab factories and warehouses on an industrial estate.
The young bird, from the southern US, “didn’t really live to enjoy her moment of fame”. The robin’s vivid red breast made her an obvious candidate for a lunch date.
“It was a terrible moment,” Graham Appleton, of the British Trust for Ornithology, which had spread news of the bird’s arrival, told the newspaper. “Most of these rare visitors eventually succumb anyway to cold weather or a lack of food, if not predation”.
The robin, whose scientific name “Turdus Migratorius” derives from its long-distance travels within America was probably blown across the Atlantic after being caught up in a jetstream.
Turdus?? now that’s a shit name!
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Bookies Stop Taking Bets on Life on Mars
LONDON – The information coming in from the Mars rovers is exciting for NASA, but it’s ending some of the action for bookies in Britain.
The bookmaking firm Ladbrokes announced it’s stopped taking bets on the question of whether there was ever life on Mars. NASA scientists said that the rover Opportunity found strong evidence to suggest at least part of the Red Planet once had a wet enough environment to sustain life.
A Ladbrokes spokesman says the latest odds in favor of past life on Mars were 16-1. Back in the ’70s, when the first bets were placed, the odds were 1,000-1. He says he expects that scientists will find evidence of past life on Mars within the coming years.
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Now This Is Odd
German pop star Werner Boehm’s wife has left him after he fell for a baboon. “It was love at first sight,” he said. “The monkey is extremely musical and can even play the piano. We’re on the same wavelength.”
A British company is selling MP3 players that attach to an assault rifle in place of ammunition. A company partner said: “Hopefully militants and terrorists will use their AK-47s to listen to music.”
A disgruntled motorist in Somerset blew up a speed camera with a home-made bomb. Earlier, someone wrecked a camera with an angle grinder and three others were burned in tyres filled with petrol.
A Pittsburgh girl, 7, has been suspended from school for saying “hell”. But she says she was only warning a boy for saying “I swear to God”. “I said, ‘You’re going to go to hell for swearing to God’.”
Inspired by Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s facelift, a Tuscany mayor is offering to pay for cosmetic surgery for councillors so they can better represent the image of the town Mulazzo.
A shopper in Wales was banned by a grocery store for going through the check-out with her trolley back-to-front. Patricia Evans was told it was company policy, before red-faced bosses lifted the ban.
A tomcat nicknamed Frosty found frozen to the ground in minus 29 degrees was saved by a Minnesota animal shelter. Staff wrapped four- year-old Frosty in hot towels to thaw him out over three days
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Short Stuff
In Tanzania, a man cut off his genitals in an attempt to win sympathy from friends and relatives after squandering the money they lent him on prostitutes and alcohol.
A German man who taught his dog Adolf to give a Hitler salute by raising his right paw was charged with violating Germany’s anti-Nazi laws.
The Backpacking magazine “Trail” has apologized after its latest issue showed a route that led off a cliff on Britain’s highest mountain. Editor Guy Procter said he was gutted by the error made in production.
Russian troops, divers and others using a modified T72 tank are helping retrieve 10 tons of beer trapped under a frozen Siberian river. In minus 27C, a week-long effort to extract the truck carrying the beer has proved fruitless.
A diamond merchant in India, whose cow swallowed a bag of diamonds, has tried for three days to make it pass dung so that he can recover them. Dilubhai Rajput has so far retrieved 310 of the 1722 diamonds.
A bachelor in China, fed up with giving away money at weddings of relatives and friends, hired a prostitute for a bogus marriage to recoup his losses. The man paid the prostitute $93 to pose as his bride and collected $627 in cash gifts at the ceremony.
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Short Stuff!
A survey has found that 65 per cent of Britons do not know which US city the hit musical Chicago is set in, 57 per cent do not know where the TV soap opera Dallas was set, and 64 per cent do not know where the French Alps are.
Police in Sweden are confident of catching a burglar who used the toilet but forgot to flush. Officers say they recovered a DNA sample from the toilet bowl after $60,000 worth of computers were stolen from a paper plant.
A flight in the US proved lucky for a British woman who had a heart attack. Fifteen heart specialists bound for a medical conference in Florida stood up to offer help when a flight attendant asked: “Is there a doctor on board?”
A Colombian tried to burgle the house of a rich man by hiding inside a box and posting himself to it. But the owners of the house got suspicious when the big package arrived and called the bomb squad.
Zimbabwe’s soccer friendly match with El Salvador in Harare was cancelled after the visitors proved to be fake. The bogus team was a squad of club players put together by a sportswear company.
The car of two Belgian rabbit poachers had been fitted with tyre spikes to slow pursuers, shields on the number plates and a device to eject old bicycles on to the road. Police nabbed them with 14 rabbits.
Northern India police are being paid 30 rupees (65 cents) extra a month to grow a moustache to give them more authority because research has shown they will be taken more seriously.
Doctors in the northern Tanzanian town of Arusha have performed an operation on a 54-year-old man who accidentally swallowed a toothbrush. Marijan Saleh was brushing his teeth on Tuesday when the brush accidentally slid down his throat and ended up in his stomach. “He was operated on and the toothbrush removed from the intestines,” said the spokesman from the Selian Hospital in Arusha.
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Nut rolling stunt artist in breakfast endurance test
Update to my October 06 and my September 18, 2003 Blog’s
A wacky artist will spend 12 days in a bath full of baked beans, with chips shoved up his nose and 48 sausages wrapped around his head, in a bizarre tribute to the full English breakfast.
Mark McGowan, 37, began his stunt in the shop window of the House Gallery near his home in Camberwell in south London. “We don’t support our culture enough, so I thought I’d celebrate a part of it by turning myself into a traditional English breakfast,” the artist said. His aim is to spend eight hours a day, for 12 days, in the bean bath.
“I suppose I am the British alternative to David Blaine but sitting in a plastic box is nothing compared to what I will be doing,” he said. He was referring to Blaine’s bizarre stunt where he spent 44 days of voluntary starvation locked in a glass box next to the River Thames.
McGowan first hit the headlines earlier this year when he used his nose to push a nut 11km through London to 10 Downing Street to protest against student debt.
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Student wants to sell his body to pay off his debts
A 19-year-old IT student, Seany Gerrie at Northumbria University in Newcastle, has set up a website (http://kickme.to/Seany) offering six-month rental deals on almost every part of his anatomy. Visitors to his site can rent anything from a limb to a lung, with kidneys, eyes and strands of hair all up for grabs. If he manages to sell off every part of his body, he will cover his tuition fees for a year of his internet computing degree. Prices range from £1 for a strand of hair to £20 for his back. Subscribers get a certificate of ownership, pictures of the part and regular updates on what that particular body part has been up to. “I’ve put a disclaimer on the site to make it clear the parts remain with me. Since setting up the site Mr. Gerrie has managed to sell one arm. I noticed that his butt is for sale but his penis was not on the price list. One wonders if it is “priceless” or he is afraid that once seen, he wont get any offers!
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Post Office looses daughters heart
Hospital bosses apologised to a grieving mother after her dead daughter’s heart was lost in the post. It was sent by normal first class mail for specialist tests after 38-year-old Rosaleen Moyle died suddenly. But it never arrived – and Rosaleen’s mother Kathy is disgusted that it was not treated with more care. “They have lost my daughter’s heart. The hospital told me it was sent by first class post but not recorded or registered delivery.I have this awful fear that they have lost it for good.” The Royal Devon and Exeter Hospital in Exeter posted it to a cardiac specialist in Peterborough, Cambs. “I just can’t understand why the hospital doesn’t use a stricter procedure. If they had sent it by special or recorded delivery we would know where it was but it’s just like they have sent a first class letter. I find it a shocking way to send an organ.” Hospital chief executive Angela Pedder said: “Normally a courier service is used to transport organs. But because the delivery address was a PO box number our staff used Royal Mail but not registered delivery. A spokesman said: “Sending it by first class post unfortunately means that the mail is sent through the same system as everything else.”
It will probably arrive on Valentines Day!
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5,500 British Paras ready to take control of Iraqi capital
Boy did I see this coming months ago!!
COALITION chiefs plan to send 5,500 British Paras to Baghdad to save US troops from losing control of the Iraqi capital. Central Command top brass are terrified that war-weary American soldiers in Saddam Hussein’s former power base have turned the population against them. Little if any peace keeping experience and only minimal training have been blamed for the growing disaster and continuing violence. One senior British defence source said last night: “We have three months at best to get this right. It is absolutely crucial the people of Baghdad can be persuaded we are there to help them. “Otherwise, the whole point of the operation could totally collapse and we could have a new war on our hands against the Iraqi people we came to liberate. “The American troops in Baghdad are not doing what is necessary. They are tired, they want to go home and they do not have the training for the job that needs to be done. “After 30 years of being in Northern Ireland, as well as the Balkans, Sierra Leone and Afghanistan, we know we have those skills and have offered our help.” The urgent mission – to be given to the Paras and their mother unit 16 Air Assault Brigade – could see them airlifted to Baghdad in weeks. The Paras’ mission will be diplomatically called a “reinforcement”. But it will be a deep embarrassment for US commanders - and an admission they may have won the war but have failed to win the peace.
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Flatulence Test Sniffs Out Gut Bugs
UK scientists say a hi-tech test focused on flatus — the pungent gas emanating from stool — is highly effective in quickly identifying tough-to-spot viral or bacterial infections of the gut. “There are very specific (chemical) ‘fingerprints’ in the gas, so that you can make specific diagnoses very quickly,” lead researcher Dr. Christopher Probert, of the University of Bristol. Probert presented the findings here Sunday at Digestive Diseases Week, the largest annual gathering of gastroenterologists in the world. “The machine will analyze these molecules and tell you what the infection is,” Probert explained. “Whether this can be used for other infectious diseases in the bowel we have yet to determine,” Probert said, “we’ve got a program ongoing to look at other things like cholera and typhoid and so forth.”
And yes, sometime in the future, your GI specialist might dispense with collecting stool samples altogether, asking you to simply emit a quick “flatus sample” instead. “We did at one stage discuss the possibility of a ‘smart lavatory,’ so that you could have a device that could sample the gas in that way,” Probert said with a smile.
I smell big profits for this technology!
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Microsoft plans toilets with Web access
Now on the way: “Surfing on the loo” with Internet access at portable toilets. The iLoo being developed by the MSN division of Microsoft Corp. in Britain is a standard portable toilet — a “loo” to the English — with a wireless keyboard and extending, height-adjustable plasma screen in front of the seat. There would also be a “Hotmail station” with waterproof keyboard and plasma screen on the outside for those waiting in line. MSN officials say they’re negotiating for the manufacture of toilet paper imprinted with Web addresses that users may not have tried. “The Internet’s so much a part of everyday life now that surfing on the loo was the next natural step,” MSN marketing manager Tracy Blacher said. “People used to reach for a book or mag(azine) when they were on the loo, but now they’ll be logging on.” The device is expected to be in use at festivals this summer in Britain, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported Tuesday. There’s no word on if, or when, the iLoo will make its way across the pond.
Now all thay need to do is develop a “Toilet Keyboard Cover” to protect you from the filthy, shit covered keyboard!
