It’s the End of the World as we Know It, It’s the End of the World as we Know It, It’s the End of the World as we Know It, and I Feel Fine! – R.E.M.
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that nowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 9:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan,
The Sushi Bandit
Today the pastor of the fundamentalist Christian Church of the Righteous, Eliza Smith, held a press conference challenging the widely held belief that crayon colors have evolved. “According to scripture God chose eight colors for man to use, no more, no less.” This flies in the face of crayon hardliners who point to the fact that there are now over 100 colors to choose from, hence proof of evolution. When asked to comment further pastor Smith admitted that after creation god did add the color white after he realized he had created white people in his own image.
Earlier this week Mark Williams, “chairman” of the Tea Party Express bus line for Tea Party protest-bound patriots, wrote on his hate blog that Muslims all worship “the terrorists’ monkey god.” But it’s Hindus who worship a monkey god named Lord Hanuman (seen here, wearing Dior Couture), not muslins. After blaming his mistake on the baby scorpions who live inside his cranial cavity, eating his brain away, Williams apologized — but only to the Hindus, whose wonderful Lord Hanuman is nothing like Allah the Not-Monkey, who creates evil all the time.
Meanwhile, Williams has referred to the mosque being planned across from Ground Zero as a “monument to the 911 hijackers,” and has also called Islam “a 7th Century Death Cult coughed up by a psychotic pedophile and embraced by defective, tail sprouting, tree swinging, semi-human, bipedal primates with no claim to be treated like human beings or even desirable mammals for that matter.” Mark Williams probably won’t be getting any gingerbread imams or other gifts from Muslims this Ramadan.
The American Family Association, a fundamentalist christian group, is urging that Tillikum (Tilly), the “killer” whale that killed it’s trainer at SeaWorld Orlando, be killed, preferably by stoning. Citing Tilly’s history of violent “altercations”, the group is slamming SeaWorld for not listening to Scripture in how to deal with the animal:
Says the ancient civil code of Israel, “When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable.” (Exodus 21:28)”
However, the group is going further and laying the blame for the trainer’s death directly at the feet of Chuck Thompson, the curator in charge of animal behavior, because, according to Scripture, if one of your animals kills a second time because you didn’t kill it after it claimed its first human victim, this time you die right along with your animal!
To use the example from Exodus, if your Ox kills a second time, “the Ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death.” (Exodus 21:29)
SeaWorld has said it has no plans to execute Tilly or Chuck.
Here we see fake angles beating the crap out of a fake devil in a re-enactment from the anime movie “The Uber Coming”. These colorful participants were photographed at the entrance to this years Comic-Con convention in San Diego.
Riki “Garfunkel” Lindhome and Kate “Oates” Micucci sing a pro-gay marriage song in response to a Pat Robertson quote that legalizing gay marriage would lead to legalizing sex with animals!
A caller who reached CSPAN asked a Republican senator if he’d prayed hard enough for Democratic Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV) to die on Tuesday.
“We got our vigil together and took Sen. Coburn’s instructions and prayed real hard that Sen. Byrd would either die or couldn’t show up at the vote the other night,” the called, dubbed “Abraham” from Georgia remarked. “How hard did you pray, because I see one of our members is missing this morning. Did it backfire on us? Did one of our members die?”
“How hard did you pray?” he adds. “Did you pray hard enough?” He appears to break into tears at the end.
The caller appeared to be referring to Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK), who missed one of the Senate’s healthcare votes.
Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) announced Sunday he was hoping — even praying — that one of his Democratic colleagues somehow could not manage to cast a vote on health care in the wee hours of Monday morning. Liberal critics saw the remarks as a thinly veiled aside against 92-year-old Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV), who had to be wheeled in in a wheelchair to vote. (He did.)
The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree… yeah, that makes perfect sense to me.