WASHINGTON — No matter what you call it, leading experts say the virus that is scaring the world is pretty much all pig. Six of the eight genetic segments of this virus strain are purely swine flu and the other two segments are bird and human, but have lived in swine for the past decade, says Dr. Raul Rabadan, a professor of computational biology at Columbia University. “Let’s be honest, it looks like a pig, and smells like a pig, so we might as well call it for what it is, the GOP flu.”
“It’s clearly swine,” said Henry Niman, president of Recombinomics, a Pittsburgh company that tracks how viruses evolve. “It’s a flu virus from a swine, and no matter how much lipstick you put on it there’s no other name to call it but GOP.”
Another reason the U.S. government wants to ditch the swine label is that many people are afraid to eat pork, hurting the $97 billion U.S. pork barrel industry. Even the experts who point to the swine genetic origins of the virus agree that people can’t get the disease from handling pork, they can only get it from Republicans.
WASHINGTON, DC—According to a new Department of Health and Human Services study, 58 percent of all exercise performed in the U.S. is broadcast on television. “Of the 3.5 billion push-ups performed in 2003, 2.03 billion took place on exercise shows on the Lifetime Network and ESPN3 or fitness segments on Good Morning America,” the study read.
“The abundance of TV exercise would create the impression that America is a healthy society, if everyone didn’t already know that we’re a bunch of disgusting, near-immobile spectators.” The DHHS study also indicated that 99.3 percent of the nation’s Soloflex workouts are televised.
Cell phone burns Dutch woman’s face
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands (AP) — A Dutch woman who dropped her cell phone suffered serious burns after it burst into flames when she tried to make a call, police said Thursday. The woman, who wasn’t identified, turned the Nokia phone on after it had fallen and held it up to her ear.
“She was treated on site by health workers for facial burns,” police spokesman Eric Vermeulen said. “I’m not a technical expert, but we assume it caught fire due to a short circuit.” Reacting on Dutch television, a Nokia official said the fire was caused by the phone battery, which was not manufactured by Nokia.
This re-affirms my conviction that too much talking on the phone is definitely unhealthy!