WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to relieve the burden on his overextended armed forces in Iraq, President Bush placed a four-line classified ad in the Monday edition of 75 U.S. newspapers. “WANTED: motivated, dedicated, obedient people looking for career in growing field of nation liberation,” the ad read. “90,000 jobs avail. F/T days, nights, weekends. No exp. necessary. Will train. Arabic a plus. Starter pay, solid benefits.” To further boost military enlistment rates, Bush plans to post the job offer at un-employment offices in 300 cities across the country.
WASHINGTON, DC—In an internationally televised statement Monday, President Bush modified a July 2003 challenge to Iraqi militants attacking U.S. forces. “Terrorists, Saddam loyalists, and anti-American insurgents: Please stop bringing it on now,” Bush said at a Monday press conference.
“Nine months and 500 U.S. casualties ago, I may have invited y’all to bring it on, but as of today, I formally rescind that statement. I would officially like for you to step back.” The president added that the “it” Iraqis should stop bringing includes gunfire, bombings, grenade attacks, and suicide missions of all types.
US pressures Fiji for Iraqi troops
The United States is urging Fiji to send soldiers to Iraq but is not willing to pay their salaries, US ambassador David Lyon was quoted as saying in the Fiji Sun newspaper.
“While we would very much like Fiji to contribute troops to Iraq peacekeeping duties, and are prepared to provide equipment, uniforms, small arms, transport and logistical support, we are unable to pay salaries or personal entitlements,” Mr Lyon said. Fiji has an army of around 9,000. Mr Lyon suggested Fiji might be able to find the needed funds from an international donor.
Well, it’s official, we are at the bottom of the barrel. Next we will be asking the African Bushmen to police Bagdad!
‘Well, You Try To Reconstruct Iraq,’ Says U.S. Defensive Dept.
WASHINGTON, DC — Responding to recent criticism of reconstruction efforts in Iraq, the U.S. Defensive Department released a statement to the public Monday suggesting that perhaps they could do better, since they’re obviously so smart.
Iraqimerica — Supreme enemy Saddam Osama bin Hussein-Laden is presiding over a massive effort to rebuild his army of darkness in the form of evil robots and disgusting genetic engineering experiments. Hussein has been spotted flying a mobile terrorlab north of Baghdad, and he has $1.3 billion in cash to fund his twisted revenge against America. “He’s put a price on American soldiers. He will pay bounty for every American soldier taken prisoner for use as personal servants,” an Inner-Party member said. Survelience photos obtained by the Party show thousands of lifeless robots standing at attention in a huge underground base, waiting for Hussein’s order to invade America.
Boy did I see this coming months ago!!
COALITION chiefs plan to send 5,500 British Paras to Baghdad to save US troops from losing control of the Iraqi capital. Central Command top brass are terrified that war-weary American soldiers in Saddam Hussein’s former power base have turned the population against them. Little if any peace keeping experience and only minimal training have been blamed for the growing disaster and continuing violence. One senior British defence source said last night: “We have three months at best to get this right. It is absolutely crucial the people of Baghdad can be persuaded we are there to help them. “Otherwise, the whole point of the operation could totally collapse and we could have a new war on our hands against the Iraqi people we came to liberate. “The American troops in Baghdad are not doing what is necessary. They are tired, they want to go home and they do not have the training for the job that needs to be done. “After 30 years of being in Northern Ireland, as well as the Balkans, Sierra Leone and Afghanistan, we know we have those skills and have offered our help.” The urgent mission – to be given to the Paras and their mother unit 16 Air Assault Brigade – could see them airlifted to Baghdad in weeks. The Paras’ mission will be diplomatically called a “reinforcement”. But it will be a deep embarrassment for US commanders - and an admission they may have won the war but have failed to win the peace.
Americans filled with anxiety over the fate of the world under Iraq’s rule are resting easier, and taking to the streets, as the White House hinted today that President Bush would give a televised address to the nation announcing complete and total victory by coalition forces. “This is the first time I’ve been able to rest in weeks,” said exuberant American Mark Jourdain. “One minute Iraq is casting an evil shadow over the entire planet with their weapons of mass destruction, and the next minute we somehow manage to overcome all odds and win the battle. We’re all so lucky that we managed to win!” Tens of jubilant citizens took to the streets of New York’s Times Square to celebrate winning the war, and to sell US-flag T-shirts. Many in the street were still emotionally affected by America’s sudden victory over Iraq. “I’m still in shock over this being clinched so soon. If I had known, I’d have purchased some V-I Day decorations for the house,” exclaimed Diana Hendricks.