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All articles in category: "comedy,Jack Handey"

The Last of Jack Handey’s Wisdom!

Dec 27th 2004

By: sushibandit

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FYI you can read the other Jack Handey installments posted on November 2nd, 12th, 29th, and December 17th archives…

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”

Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in their genitals.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, “If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.” Just then the eclipse would start, and they’d probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

comedy, Jack Handey
Wisdom of Jack Handey Again?

Dec 17th 2004

By: sushibandit

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To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

comedy, Jack Handey
Even More Wisdom of Jack Handey

Nov 29th 2004

By: sushibandit

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One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.

comedy, Jack Handey
More Wisdom of Jack Handey

Nov 12th 2004

By: sushibandit

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Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

“Of all the imaginary friends I’ve had, I don’t think there was one that I didn’t end up having to kill.”

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We’re rich! But it turned out to be something different.

Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

comedy, Jack Handey
The Wisdom of Jack Handey

Nov 2nd 2004

By: sushibandit

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· If I could be a bird, I’d be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

· I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have a beak to peck you with.

· When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

· Too bad Lassie didn’t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said “Lassie, go skate for help,” she could do it.

· If you’re ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don’t know how to speak the natives’ language, just say “Poppy-oomy.” I bet it means something.

· One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.

· I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don’t know I’m using blanks.

· I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they’ll know this is someone else’s territory.

· Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you’ve never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It’s not love I’m describing. I’m thinking of a monorail.

comedy, Jack Handey

Sushi Bandit's Blog O' Rama (9.0)

All articles in category: "comedy,Jack Handey"

The Last of Jack Handey’s Wisdom!

Wisdom of Jack Handey Again?

Even More Wisdom of Jack Handey

More Wisdom of Jack Handey

The Wisdom of Jack Handey

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