OK, for 40 points… What happens to you, if you Masterbate? 1. Hair will grow on your palm. 2. You will burn in Hell forever. 3. You will become a drug addict. 4. You will become a queer.
Sacramento (SBN) – Greg Hoglund, the chief executive of software security firm HBGary has announced in a press conference today that his firm HBGary, has found the notorious ringleaders of the group “Anonymous.” Mr. Hoglund stated “We were working on the tip from DHS that these cyber-terrorists always wore masks. My team then scoured the world until last week we found their lair!” When question by local reporters on why they all look like children, Mr. Hoglund noted “what a better way to evade detection?” “Using handheld Gameboys they were able to launch a co-ordinated web attack against our servers last week during recess”. “Just think if we hadn’t found them, what would they be doing with the new Nintendo Wii’s they got for Christmas? Anarchy!”
Quincy, Mass: Today SwingCo, the manufactures of the popular swing sets “Rocket” and “Nascar 3″ announced the recall of all swing set models due to unexpected ignition of the seats. This problem started to be reported last year when parents and very fat children started to riding them. To date 37 people have been killed, 92 with severe burns, and 18 requiring delicate anal replacement surgeries. In a prepared statement CEO Tony Hayward blamed the seat sub-contractor Halliburton for not testing weight loads greater than 200 lbs. In their defense Halliburton’s head of testing stated “their criteria stated ‘to withstand loads up to 150 lbs’. We met that criteria without any mishaps throughout our testing program.” “I mean, look how small the seats are, we just didn’t expect a lard-ass would try to ride it!”
Next in the series includes: “Why the scanner man want to see my butt”, “Mommy never made the flight”, and “Do you know any terrorists?”
R.I.P. Art Clokey
Gumby was famous for being the 1st claymation TV star and a cast member of “Saturday Night Live”. Later in life Gumby became a crusader against global warming. This photo was taken last year showing it’s effect not only on Gumby but his best pal Pokey too. Pokey passed away soon after this shoot. The cause of death was determined to be excessive melting.
Mosgiel, New Zealand – Organisers of a Christmas fete banned children from sitting on Santa’s knee because they feared being held responsible if anything “untoward” happened.
Instead, the children had to sit next to him, on specially decorated “elf chairs”, as they discussed their Christmas wish list. Graham Glass, who dressed up as Santa for the event, was clearly insulted. “It’s bloody ridiculous – I can’t believe we have become so politically correct,” he said.
For South African children there is no Santa Claus this year – and that’s official. South Africa’s Advertising Standards Authority has banned an advertisement for the country’s Post Office that gave children an address to which to write to Santa Claus with their Christmas wishes.
In a ruling this week, the authority said the Post Office has been profiting from the natural credulity of children. It said the advert created the impression in the mind of the credulous child that, by writing to the given address, the child would then receive the requested presents.
The authority banned the advertisement, upholding a complaint that said it encouraged a falsehood that could break the fragile spirits of the country’s already disillusioned youth.
…with leaders like that.. it’s no wonder their youth are disillusioned!