Last week Tom Ridge announced that his ridiculous color-coded alert scheme has “drawbacks.” Um, what, you mean like unnecessarily terrifying half the population and being laughed at by the other half? No, Ridge thinks that the alerts are “too general to provide targeted warnings,” according to the Associated Press. Great – so does this mean we can look forward to Green, Light Green, Aqua, Blue, Yellow, Sepia, Burnt Sienna, Orange, Dark Orange, Red, Brown? I hope so! However, some people have noted that during the Orange Alerts we’ve been subjected to over the last few months, there haven’t been any actual terrorism attempts, so perhaps either a) the intelligence isn’t very good, in which case why bother with a stupid threat level, or b) they’ve got other reasons for elevating the level – for example, it’s the kind of thing that comes in useful when you’re trying to persuade America that we need to bomb other countries. I’ve got a better idea though. Whenever the threat level is elevated above yellow, we should raise Tom Ridge up on a large flagpole, with his pants round his ankles and wearing a dunce’s cap, and then pelt him with tomatoes until the level is lowered to yellow again.