SushiSquad is my personal ninja protection team when I’m visiting foreign hot-spots. This is Betty Hironi, skilled linguist, soba maker, and marks-woman.
Look at this set-up: He has a fuckin 50 cal. assault rifle. Who in their right mind needs that?
He also has 4 track balls, 4 head phones, 16 semi automatic guns (bet they are all autos!), 2 cell phones, and a game-boy. Oh, and the fact he has Japanese Yahoo running… he has to be a fuckin nut case and needs serious intervention.
Sacramento (SBN) – Greg Hoglund, the chief executive of software security firm HBGary has announced in a press conference today that his firm HBGary, has found the notorious ringleaders of the group “Anonymous.” Mr. Hoglund stated “We were working on the tip from DHS that these cyber-terrorists always wore masks. My team then scoured the world until last week we found their lair!” When question by local reporters on why they all look like children, Mr. Hoglund noted “what a better way to evade detection?” “Using handheld Gameboys they were able to launch a co-ordinated web attack against our servers last week during recess”. “Just think if we hadn’t found them, what would they be doing with the new Nintendo Wii’s they got for Christmas? Anarchy!”
Earlier this week Mark Williams, “chairman” of the Tea Party Express bus line for Tea Party protest-bound patriots, wrote on his hate blog that Muslims all worship “the terrorists’ monkey god.” But it’s Hindus who worship a monkey god named Lord Hanuman (seen here, wearing Dior Couture), not muslins. After blaming his mistake on the baby scorpions who live inside his cranial cavity, eating his brain away, Williams apologized — but only to the Hindus, whose wonderful Lord Hanuman is nothing like Allah the Not-Monkey, who creates evil all the time.
Meanwhile, Williams has referred to the mosque being planned across from Ground Zero as a “monument to the 911 hijackers,” and has also called Islam “a 7th Century Death Cult coughed up by a psychotic pedophile and embraced by defective, tail sprouting, tree swinging, semi-human, bipedal primates with no claim to be treated like human beings or even desirable mammals for that matter.” Mark Williams probably won’t be getting any gingerbread imams or other gifts from Muslims this Ramadan.
Next in the series includes: “Why the scanner man want to see my butt”, “Mommy never made the flight”, and “Do you know any terrorists?”
In an effort to continue the fear mongering started during the Bush administration, Indiana republican congressman Dan Burton today proposed enclosing the Capitol gallery in Plexiglas to protect members of Congress from a terrorist attack.
“What this bill does is it would authorize a study to look at enclosing the chamber, the gallery chamber, with Plexiglas so that somebody can’t throw a bomb down on the floor and kill a lot of us,” Burton told the Rules Committee Thursday. To the shock of on-looking congressmembers, Burton described how a terrorist could kill the lot of them. Someone could kill “half the Members of Congress right now,” he said.
“You could take a detonating device that looks like a watch so you could get through the metal detector,” Burton explained. “And when everybody was on the floor, as many as you wanted, you could put that into the plastic explosive, toss it out on the floor, and there is no way you would lose half of us if we were on the floor, at least, or more. I don’t know how much damage it would do.”
It has now become obvious to those with half a brain that congressman Burton has shit for brains.
In his most aggressive public relations move since leaving office, former Vice President Dick Cheney today established a Facebook page for fans of torture.
In recent weeks, Mr. Cheney has been speaking out in praise of such controversial interrogation tactics as waterboarding, but in establishing his Facebook page the vice president seems to be attempting something far more amibitious: creating a social network for torture fans everywhere.
“This is a place where fans of waterboarding can meet, chat, and yes, hook up,” Mr. Cheney told Fox News host Sean Hannity last night.
The former vice president extolled his torture fan page as a dating site, telling Mr. Hannity, “This way when you go out on a date with somebody you know going in how he or she feels about waterboarding. I think that’s important in building a long-term and hopefully loving relationship. It’s certainly something Lynne and I share.”
This just in: George Bush has just announced a State of National Emergency and has appointed himself Emperor of A’merica.
This action is due to the failure of the war on terror, faith based initiatives, and no child left behind. Standing along with our new exalted leader during the announcement were Cheney, Gonzalez, Chertoff, Bolton, Rice, Card, Palin, Rumsfeld, Fleischer, McClellan, Snow, Rove, Roberts, Miers, Ridge, Ashcroft, Paulson, and DeLay.
Emperor Bush has declared martial law and directed the joint chiefs of staff to initiate operation “drop your pants” where all Americans will get an identity chip imbedded up their ass. All who refuse will be shot on the spot. Also, by decree the inauguration of that “Boy from Hawaii” is canceled just like all the election results, nation-wide.
When asked by a reporter how this can be legal he responded “Cause I’m the decider. Now drop your pants!”
P.S. it could happen, he still has one more day!
A St. Louis man was jailed 3 1/2 days and charged with making a threat about a shoe bomb.
Michael Shafermeyer, 30, was arrested Saturday boarding a flight at Lambert Airport on Saturday. He was flying to Maryland to get married and because he was anxious about the wedding and nervous about flying, he had a few drinks before getting to the airport. His friends describe him as a guy with a non-stop, quirky sense of humor.
When a flight attendant asked him to close his laptop after boarding, Shafermeyer says he was just trying to make a joke when he asked her, “Are you the one who checks for shoe bombs?” Within minutes federal agents whisked him off the plane and he spent the next 2 ½ days in solitary confinement in the St. Louis County Jail. The final day in jail, he was put in general holding with 20-30 other people, who he said stood and gave him a standing ovation.
Shafermeyer said he’s charged with making a false bomb report. He still plans to go to Maryland to get married, but will take the train to get there.
Frustrated by the lack of effective deterrents to thwart possible terrorists attacks to airlines the DHS has initiated a new system that was designed by a special team at the White House.
It was designed to seal off access to the pilots cockpit from any terrorists who are wanting to take control.
In a recent press conference the president stated “This is a new tool to stop any evil doer that gets on board your flight. I personally directed its design with my new anti-terrorist team. I even choose the color yellow, cause those Islamic Nazi’s hate yellow, cause their yellow evil doers!”
When asked about design problems, and specifically the fact that no one can exit the plane after deployment, he responded. “You just don’t get it, they are EVIL and want to take you freedoms away, they are jealous that we live in a free, god fearing country, We are at WAR and we wont stop until these evil doers give up.”
Terrorists get upper hand. DHS, FBI, DOD and CIA are all baffled. No one on staff has studied any dead languages.
“We first thought that these intercepted clay tablets were just writings about the Epic of Gilgamesh” said Larry “T.R.” Teal, a temp agency guard at the port of Pascagoula, Mississippi. “But I realized that they had misspelled the goddess Rimat-Ninsun’s name. I knew something was up!”
After consulting with Mr. Teal, DHS determined that these were orders to invade, rape and pillage the town of “Uruk”. Uruk is the CIA’s code name for Crawford, Texas.
With hundreds of additional tablets discovered, it is estimated to take years to read them all. “We have extended the temp agency’s contract so Mr. Teal can get to work on deciphering them.” said Bob Landreau, Director of the Mississippi Office of Homeland Security.
The shortage of qualified translators of ancient Sumerian has been exasperated by their internment at Guantánamo and Abu Ghraib prisons.
LANGLEY, VA—An internal CIA investigation into the possible use of illegal and inhumane interrogation techniques produced a confession from CIA director Porter Goss Monday, with the aid of waterboarding, food and light deprivation, and the application of wire hangers hooked to a car battery to the testicles. “I did it. We did it. We all did it. The president knew. The president did it. Please, God, please stop,” said a voice identified as Goss’ on recordings produced by CIA auditors. “Stop, please stop. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. The president won’t do it again. Please let me die.” Critics of the methods used to obtain the information continue to claim that torture is an ineffective means of obtaining intelligence, pointing out that Goss did not sound sorry.