Donald Rumsfeld categorically denied reports that the Defense Department continues to send troops into Iraq without sufficient supplies. Commenting on the status of the newly armored assault vehicles he assured the press that every effort has been made to equip our mobile infantry with the latest technology, adding that he did not know of any units that were not 100% battle ready.
At 9:30 tonight, after roughly your 8th beer, the US will have been in Iraq longer than it was in WWII. This is because the Nazis were total pussies.
Terrorists get upper hand. DHS, FBI, DOD and CIA are all baffled. No one on staff has studied any dead languages.
“We first thought that these intercepted clay tablets were just writings about the Epic of Gilgamesh” said Larry “T.R.” Teal, a temp agency guard at the port of Pascagoula, Mississippi. “But I realized that they had misspelled the goddess Rimat-Ninsun’s name. I knew something was up!”
After consulting with Mr. Teal, DHS determined that these were orders to invade, rape and pillage the town of “Uruk”. Uruk is the CIA’s code name for Crawford, Texas.
With hundreds of additional tablets discovered, it is estimated to take years to read them all. “We have extended the temp agency’s contract so Mr. Teal can get to work on deciphering them.” said Bob Landreau, Director of the Mississippi Office of Homeland Security.
The shortage of qualified translators of ancient Sumerian has been exasperated by their internment at Guantánamo and Abu Ghraib prisons.
WASHINGTON, DC—Pressed for additional troops to police the Iraqi general elections scheduled for January, the Pentagon announced Monday that it will dispatch 30,000 U.S. shopping-mall security guards to the troubled Sunni Triangle region.
WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to relieve the burden on his overextended armed forces in Iraq, President Bush placed a four-line classified ad in the Monday edition of 75 U.S. newspapers. “WANTED: motivated, dedicated, obedient people looking for career in growing field of nation liberation,” the ad read. “90,000 jobs avail. F/T days, nights, weekends. No exp. necessary. Will train. Arabic a plus. Starter pay, solid benefits.” To further boost military enlistment rates, Bush plans to post the job offer at un-employment offices in 300 cities across the country.
LUANDA, ANGOLA—Operators of Keliba Temporary Services of Angola announced Monday that they have been swamped with unemployed citizens seeking temporary mercenary work. “It’s a madhouse,” said Imaculada Bimbi, manager of Keliba Temps. “When we open up in the morning, there is a line of camouflage-clad men waiting at the door.”
When the rebel UNITA [National Union for the Total Independence of Angola] and the Angolan government signed a cease-fire in 2002, they ended the civil war that plagued the southwest African nation for more than 25 years, but left several hundred thousand mercenaries jobless. Around 75 percent of these soldiers-for-hire eventually turned to temping.
“Some call us five or six times a day,” Bimbi said. “Others sit in the waiting room cleaning their rifles and flipping through back issues of Angola Today, just waiting for jobs to come.” Bimbi said that, because Keliba Temps maintains a waiting list and keeps applicants on file for six months, there’s no reason for the men to spend the day in the office. “If the UNITA insurgents were able to locate mercenaries on the planalto, then we should be capable of finding them in their homes,” Bimbi said. “But they sit here and drink pot after pot of complimentary coffee, litter banana peels and dried fish tails on the floors, and wash their bandannas in the bathroom sink.” Bimbi explained the mercenaries’ reluctance to relocate to regions with more favorable employment climates.
“Many have lived in Angola all their lives, and do not want to go all the way to the Congo or Sierra Leone to find work,” Bimbi said. “Now, Angola will always have a need for qualified, experienced mercenaries, and the work they do is very valuable. But we simply have too many workers and not enough jobs.” Last month, Keliba Temps was forced to hire several extra staff members to handle the influx of mercenaries. Although Bimbi considered hiring a mercenary for the front-desk position, none of the applicants had the proper qualifications. “Working the front desk requires communication skills, a professional appearance, patience, and the ability to type,” Bimbi said. “I can’t tell you how many keyboards have been split apart with machetes during our standard typing test.”
Bimbi said early attempts to place mercenaries among the non-mercenary workforce ended in disaster. “My first week here, I sent a mercenary to work on the assembly line in a PVC factory,” Bimbi said. “I later learned that the mercenary had, in his former job, blown up the line supervisor’s vegetable stand and kidnapped his teenage daughter.” Bimbi now attempts to do more thorough background checks. “But it’s hard,” Bimbi said. “Most of our clients’ references turn out to be dead.”
“We held a weekend workshop to train a group of kidnappers, torturers, and renegade pilots on Excel, but the seminar ended in bloodshed.” The mercenary field is so flooded, Lukamba said, that he regularly receives phone calls from employment agencies across the country asking if his branch has openings for mercenaries. “Every time the phone rings, 15 heavily armed men leap to their feet and rush the counter.”
“Perhaps one day soon, a corrupt warlord will rise to power in Angola and need men to hack apart villagers and urinate on the remains,” Lukamba added. “Until then, all I can do is try to get these men working as telephone solicitors.”
US pressures Fiji for Iraqi troops
The United States is urging Fiji to send soldiers to Iraq but is not willing to pay their salaries, US ambassador David Lyon was quoted as saying in the Fiji Sun newspaper.
“While we would very much like Fiji to contribute troops to Iraq peacekeeping duties, and are prepared to provide equipment, uniforms, small arms, transport and logistical support, we are unable to pay salaries or personal entitlements,” Mr Lyon said. Fiji has an army of around 9,000. Mr Lyon suggested Fiji might be able to find the needed funds from an international donor.
Well, it’s official, we are at the bottom of the barrel. Next we will be asking the African Bushmen to police Bagdad!
‘Well, You Try To Reconstruct Iraq,’ Says U.S. Defensive Dept.
WASHINGTON, DC — Responding to recent criticism of reconstruction efforts in Iraq, the U.S. Defensive Department released a statement to the public Monday suggesting that perhaps they could do better, since they’re obviously so smart.
U.S. Invades Non-Oil-Rich Nation To Dispel Criticism
LUXEMBOURG—In an effort to quiet criticism of U.S. military policy, 50,000 U.S. troops invaded and soundly defeated the non-oil-rich Grand Duchy of Luxembourg Monday. “Once again, the U.S. claims victory over a rogue nation,” said President Bush after the 45-minute war. “The people of Luxembourg, although prosperous and living in peace, have suffered under the tyranny of a monarchy for centuries. And allow me to point out that Luxembourg has not one drop of crude oil.” Troops will return home Friday, following the public hanging of Grand Duke Henri de Luxembourg.
Uncooperative prisoners are being exposed for prolonged periods to tracks by children’s TV programmes Sesame Street and Barney in the hope of making them talk. The US’s Psychological Operations Company (Psy Ops) said the aim was to break a prisoner’s resistance through sleep deprivation and playing music that was culturally offensive to them. However, human rights organisation, Amnesty International, said such tactics may constitute torture – and coalition forces could be in breach of the Geneva Convention. “They can’t take it. If you play it for 24 hours, your brain and body functions start to slide, your train of thought slows down and your will is broken. That’s when we come in and talk to them.” Sgt Hadsell’s favourites are the theme from Sesame Street and songs from the purple singing dinosaur Barney. “In training, they forced me to listen to the Barney “I Love You” song for 45 minutes. I never want to go through that again. It is a very difficult line to draw between what constitutes discomfort and what constitutes torture.”
…just ask any parent.
Boy did I see this coming months ago!!
COALITION chiefs plan to send 5,500 British Paras to Baghdad to save US troops from losing control of the Iraqi capital. Central Command top brass are terrified that war-weary American soldiers in Saddam Hussein’s former power base have turned the population against them. Little if any peace keeping experience and only minimal training have been blamed for the growing disaster and continuing violence. One senior British defence source said last night: “We have three months at best to get this right. It is absolutely crucial the people of Baghdad can be persuaded we are there to help them. “Otherwise, the whole point of the operation could totally collapse and we could have a new war on our hands against the Iraqi people we came to liberate. “The American troops in Baghdad are not doing what is necessary. They are tired, they want to go home and they do not have the training for the job that needs to be done. “After 30 years of being in Northern Ireland, as well as the Balkans, Sierra Leone and Afghanistan, we know we have those skills and have offered our help.” The urgent mission – to be given to the Paras and their mother unit 16 Air Assault Brigade – could see them airlifted to Baghdad in weeks. The Paras’ mission will be diplomatically called a “reinforcement”. But it will be a deep embarrassment for US commanders - and an admission they may have won the war but have failed to win the peace.
Americans filled with anxiety over the fate of the world under Iraq’s rule are resting easier, and taking to the streets, as the White House hinted today that President Bush would give a televised address to the nation announcing complete and total victory by coalition forces. “This is the first time I’ve been able to rest in weeks,” said exuberant American Mark Jourdain. “One minute Iraq is casting an evil shadow over the entire planet with their weapons of mass destruction, and the next minute we somehow manage to overcome all odds and win the battle. We’re all so lucky that we managed to win!” Tens of jubilant citizens took to the streets of New York’s Times Square to celebrate winning the war, and to sell US-flag T-shirts. Many in the street were still emotionally affected by America’s sudden victory over Iraq. “I’m still in shock over this being clinched so soon. If I had known, I’d have purchased some V-I Day decorations for the house,” exclaimed Diana Hendricks.